Be True To You.

Seriously, this seems so basic. Shouldn’t we all already know to stay true to ourselves? This seems like the most common of common sense ideas. Yet…

You guessed it; I for one have a really hard time being true to myself. If you’re honest with yourself, you probably do, too. As will all of these ideas, let me use myself as an example.

I recently had to remove myself from a situation. I stepped away from an actual relationship - one with someone of the opposite sex. A romantic(ish) relationship. This was so difficult to do. I fought with myself back and forth for a while over ending it. There was nothing really wrong. He is kind, caring, and selfless. Unfortunately, he wasn’t for me. He wanted to be. He convinced himself that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He just knew that I would be his happily ever after.

Please keep in mind that this entire relationship started and ended in a month’s time. Yes. A month. Talk about moving at warp speed.

Anyway, this guy, he was super nice. So selfless that when asked what made him happy, his only answer was anything that made me happy. After several conversations that all ended with him just agreeing with anything I said, I realized that no matter how much I want a real relationship, no matter how badly I want someone to love me and my son, this wasn’t going to be it. Y’all, I literally argued with myself about this realization for days. DAYS!

No matter how much I didn’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings, I had to. I also realized that his affection for me wasn’t exactly true, either. I found that he was so set on having a relationship and settling down (his words) that it didn’t necessarily have to be me he was with. He seriously said he loved me before we ever went on a date or spent any actual time together. He never seemed interested in getting to know me; just in saying he had a girlfriend and trying to rush into next level things. I’m not going to go into the details because it really creeps me out now that I think about it all more.

The point here is that this guy wants the idea of something so badly that he’s willing to jump right in, head first, eyes closed, full speed. For me, relationships take time. Time to learn about each other, time to grow – individually and together – time to figure out if each person can deal with the other’s little quirks. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I asked him to slow down, to not be pushy, he’d just agree and then go right back to pushing, moving forward. At first I went along with it all – because yeah, a relationship. Something I’ve wanted for so long was right there in front of me. I know without a doubt that no matter what I asked or said, this guy would give and agree.  He would do anything I said just because he was scared to lose me. Then I realized how unfair it all was. The whole thing was unfair to both of us. It’s unfair to me because I couldn’t picture a lifelong relationship with this guy. That feeling you get when the love of your life is near you – the one that gives you goosebumps and makes you wonder how you ever got so lucky – that feeling just isn’t there for me. (I’m not arguing this point by the way. I truly believe that everyone who is with the person they are meant to be with has a feeling when that person is near them. If you don’t think that’s necessary, then you’ll need to re-read this post a few times to truly understand the point.)

I realized that it isn’t fair to the guy to allow him to continue to pretend that he finally found the perfect relationship, what he’s been after for so long, if I’m not willing to give 100% to it. And finally, it sure as hell isn’t fair to my son to allow him to become attached to someone that I know damn good and well I’m not interested in being with long term.  I’m telling you, I’m still torn over the idea that I broke this guy’s heart, or at least hurt his feelings. He’s really a nice guy, and I really don’t like hurting people. I just know in my heart, in being honest with myself, that this guy isn’t IT for me. I pray he can forgive me, I pray I can forgive myself. I’m just choosing to not settle. I’m choosing to listen to who I am and what I truly want. I’m being true to myself.

All of this is to say, be true to you. Figure out who you are. Figure out what you truly want. Go after it. No matter how long it takes, even when it all seems pointless, NEVER SETTLE. Like the picture says, “if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” You can do this. It will be hard. I just know without a doubt, being true to you WILL BE WORTH IT.

Much Love

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #BeTrueToYou

W.O.R.K.

So this is another one that really hits home for me. I’ll go ahead and tell you now that I’m not great at putting in the work in areas that I probably need it the most. I suppose that makes me a work in progress…

We have all heard that anything worth having takes work. This is easy to understand in relation to monetary things. If you want to be financially successful, you will have to work. If you want the nice house, the nice car, the nice clothes – guess what. WORK.

Here’s where I got blindsided, and some of you may realize it’s the same for you – my own happiness and peace take WORK. Seriously, why this never crossed my mind earlier in life is beyond me. I’ve always given everything I have to any job I’ve been tasked with. I pride myself on my work ethic and my go-getter when it comes to actual jobs, paid or volunteer. Yet, I was never fully ok with myself. I never seemed to have a sense of fulfillment. Then it hit me (thanks to a small kick in the behind from my amazing cousin), I have to WORK at being the me that I want to be. My happiness is a result of my own effort at being happy. My peace has a direct connection to the amount of work I put in to being peaceful.  My attitude, either positive or negative, is the result of how much work (or lack of) I put into creating the attitude I want to have.

Here’s the wake-up call…

In order to become the person you want to be, you have to put in work. Work on yourself.

In order to have the life you want, you have to put in work. Work on your life.

Without ACTIVELY working on yourself, and your life, nothing will change. You will not accomplish the things you want for your life without putting in the work. I say ACTIVELY because let’s be honest, it’s one thing to post the positive saying every day – IT’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING TO ACTUALLY PRACTICE POSITIVITY. I’m guilty of this. I’m all about just ‘pretending’ to be the me I want to be, when in actuality, I’m still allowing outward circumstances and events to keep me from truly being the happy, positive, loving life person I want to be. I’m lying to myself if I think that just forwarding something positive in the morning will make me different. If I’m still angry at the world, or the day, or myself – I’m not ACTIVELY working on being better.

How do we do the WORK? Well, since I’m not actually an all-knowing being, I don’t have the answer for everyone. The WORK we must do is different for everyone. For me, it’s finding just one little reason to be happy for the day. I may have to do this multiple times throughout the day. When something not great occurs, I have to make myself find something to be happy about.  When I get sucked into the spiral of self-pity, I have to actively remind myself to find 1 thing to be grateful for each day. When I find myself passing judgement on a person or situation, I have to make myself choose to consider the circumstances and to be more compassionate and less judgmental.

The key here is to figure out who you want to be. Figure out what sort of life you want to have. Then create a working plan to achieve what you’ve decided you want for you. Be sure to remember this – YOU ARE NEVER ALONE IN THE JOURNEY. Find a group or a tribe – I can suggest a few – and be strong in yourself and ask for help when necessary.

Much Love!

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #DoYourWork

Swimming Lessons

I read something somewhere that really struck a nerve: ‘Stop taking swimming lessons from people who are drowning.’

Please read it again! 

Understand that the saying isn’t about literal swimming. This is about life. When I stopped to contemplate this seemingly very simple statement, I realized that if we’re not careful we may very well end up doing more harm by asking for/giving advice to others.

This is a two-part situation. So here we go!

First - Don’t go asking for advice on your life from just anyone. Be sure to know who and where your advice is coming from. We all have friends, acquaintances, and people around us. Just because we surround ourselves with people we choose, doesn’t mean the people are the RIGHT people to be going to for advice. I’ll admit, this first part isn’t so difficult for me to follow. I’m super picky about where I ask for advice. Mainly because I don’t discuss personal matters with just anyone (this is and will be an entirely separate CSA). Before going to someone for advice, consider what you know about the individual. Example: If you’re asking for advice on how to deal with a strong-willed toddler – you’re not going to ask advice of someone with no children. If you’re looking for advice on how to be financially successful – you’re not going to ask someone living in the same situation as yourself (paycheck to paycheck). The point being, stop going to people with no experience in the things you’re needing advice about. This is the equivalent of taking swimming lessons from someone who is drowning. You’re not going to learn to swim. Instead, you’ll both end up at the bottom.

Second – STOP giving advice on things you’re not qualified to give advice about. Let’s say your friend is needing advice on how to deal with their strong-willed toddler. If you haven’t dealt with a toddler – on a daily basis – DO NOT try to give advice on how to deal with the said toddler. If your friend has a child that is acting a bit out of control, please DO NOT give advice on how your friend should deal with this child if your child is putting you through the same sort of situation. I.E. don’t try to tell someone how to discipline their child if your child is also out of control and you’re not able to resolve your own situation.

The thing to remember here is that yes, we are all human. We all offer advice, usually out of love and what we think is a kindness. However, please understand that the advice you’re offering isn’t always what the other person needs. If you’re not an expert (and guess what, there are actual experts that can give you helpful advice for just about anything), please don’t try to point out what others are doing wrong in situations that you think they should do differently. ESPECIALLY DO NOT do this if your advice is just your way of avoiding your own problems.

We all need love and understanding. We are all capable of love and understanding. Leave the advice giving to those that are qualified for it. If you’re the one receiving/requesting the advice, just be sure to consider the source before requesting actual advice.

Try to avoid taking swimming lessons from someone that is drowning.

Much love!

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #JustKeepSwimming

F*#% FEAR!

I updated my cover photo on FB yesterday. It’s a simple photo, with a simple message – ‘Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.’ This message got me thinking. Y’all know what happens when I start thinking… yep, a whole new CSA!

We all have wounds (the emotional ones are what I’m talking about here). Most of us didn’t create these wounds ourselves. Here’s the kicker though… we are the reason the wounds won’t heal. These emotional wounds may seem to heal, yet in reality, they’ve only been covered by an emotional scab. If we really look at the wound, it opens back up and we feel all of the same emotions we felt when these wounds were created. Here’s the insanely simple reason why – FEAR.

Of course, I’ll use myself as an example (I’m sure you’ll find pieces of yourself in this tale). It’s no secret that I’ve not been successful with personal relationships. I’ve been through multiple breakups that left me with a sense of unworthiness, a sense of emptiness. At one point, the darkness took over and I contemplated no longer existing. After fighting my way out of that bad place, I decided I would never allow anyone or anything to make me feel that way again. My solution? Push that feeling and that time so far to the depths of my core that it’s lost from sight. Ignore it. Pretend it didn’t exist. Remove me from any situation that would even have the possibility of ending the way the others did. Basically… I’ve closed myself off to the idea of a relationship. I’ve hidden away. I’ve refused to even entertain the idea of getting close to anyone. Want to know where this has gotten me? NO F’ING WHERE. Wait, does miserable count? That’s about all it amounts to. I’ve allowed my fear of getting hurt, my fear of not having my feelings reciprocated, to push me to the point of misery. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I’ve pushed it out of sight and closed myself off from the possibility of a real relationship.

Seriously, how in the hell does this even make any sense. It’s so much more ridiculous seeing it on paper!! Hey, I got my heart broken a couple of times, so now I’ll just deprive myself of what I want most in life – because I’m scared to get hurt. Y’all, I’m seriously laughing hysterically in my head right now. If any of my friends told me this I would more than likely slap the mess out of them and start laughing. Yet, here I am letting my fear of heartache keep me from finding my own happiness. This is the most ridiculous shit I’ve heard in a while. Seriously.

The craziness gets better. This act of closing myself off to opportunities spills over to my professional life also. I’ve become so used to just being that I’ve stopped pursuing more. Really it boils down to a FEAR of failure. Thinking I’m not good enough to advance, I’m not qualified for what I want (mind you, I know damn good and well that I can and will achieve anything I set out to accomplish), I have just stopped trying. What kind of insanity is this? Who just stops trying to be better because they are scared of failure??? Me, and quite possibly, most of you reading this. Here’s the thing, let’s stop being ridiculous. Let’s pull up our grown-up undies, kick ourselves in the ass, and move forward. Personally, professionally. Whatever it is that you’ve allowed your FEAR to stop you from doing, STOP YOUR FEAR. Find you a good support system (I’m always here if you need). Say a prayer, grab your rabbit’s foot, and step out on faith. Jump, Leap, Crawl – Just show your FEAR that you are stronger than it is. We can do this together!

Step one for me – say yes to the date invitation. Check (Y'all, I’m scared shitless about this!)

Step two for me – go after what will make you happy professionally (working on this, and yes I’m super scared).

While I’m not a fan of the cliché New Year New Me, it seems that this is exactly what we all need to do. New Year – No FEAR!

Much Love!

#KindessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #F&#%FEAR

AT LEAST...

You know those perfect lives you see… the ones in public, or on social media. You know how they’re all picture perfect, with their pretty little people and their pretty little pictures… ughh, I actually get exhausted just thinking about them. I want to BE them. Obviously, I’m not. Guess what… that’s absolutely freaking okay.

For me, life is hard. It’s hard to get through each moment of each day. That’s okay. Not everyone was meant to be a bubbly, picture perfect example of life. You want to know what’s not okay? Comparing yourself to these ideals of life! Guess what, every single person in life has difficulties. The difficulties will more than likely be different than yours, they may be things that you think aren’t difficult, and they may be things you don’t think you could ever handle. Just understand this – everyone likes to air their greatness, no one likes to air their defeat. This took me a long time to understand. I’m guilty of allowing the picture perfectness of others to affect my own personal beliefs about myself and my life. I was in a really dark, depressed, and scary place. To be honest, there were times I didn’t want to continue existing. Yes, that kind of dark and scary place. The good news is, I got through it! With only two little words, I managed to scrape and crawl my way out of my most darkest times.

AT LEAST

That’s it, really. Some people call it finding a positive. Others call it being grateful. At that time in my life, positive and grateful weren’t words I could comprehend. AT LEAST. Those were words that somehow made it through the little cracks in my dark world. Those were the words that slapped me in the face and made me realize that my life, as dark and scary as it was, was worth living. No, my life wasn’t great. It wasn’t even good at that point. However… AT LEAST it was MY LIFE. I had a life. Having a life meant I had options and opportunities.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not where I’d like to be in life. AT LEAST I’m not where I was. I’d like to challenge you to find the AT LEAST in your life. Being an adult and doing life is hard. It can get to the best of us. When you’re down, defeated, and just exhausted – find the AT LEAST!

I’m always broke – AT LEAST I have a roof over my head.

My car is old and crappy – AT LEAST it’s still running.

I always have to say no when invited out – AT LEAST I have food to eat at home.

Everything in my life seems to be against me – AT LEAST I’m alive!

Changing your attitude and lifestyle is a HUGE and difficult choice. It’s not an overnight process. When we are so focused on pointing out the negatives, trying to be positive and grateful can be overwhelming. Instead of backing down or giving up, just look for your AT LEAST. Everyone has one. I promise you, even the homeless, jobless, lost soul has an AT LEAST. Start off small, find your AT LEAST just once a day. You’ll soon find yourself finding an AT LEAST to everything. Then maybe, just maybe, you’ll become that annoyingly positive person that you’re always complaining about. You may realize that the positive person isn’t actually annoying – you were just envious of what you thought was their picture perfect...

#MuchLove #KindnessAlways #FindYourAtLeast

Letting Go

Grief – sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair.

“Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.” You guessed it; this CSA will revolve around grief. Particularly, the grief of your life lost. This isn’t in the sense that you physically die. I’m talking about the life that you’ve known, have grown accustomed to, no longer existing. The loss of the life you had planned out, the life you’ve been working towards for so long.

More times than not, we associate grief with the physical loss of life, and not the emotional loss. We understand that there is a process for grief when mourning the loss of a physical life. We are more accepting of another person’s grief when we can link it to physical death.  The thing is, we (as in we as a society, or just you as a person) need to get better at recognizing and understanding a person’s grief that isn’t related to a physical death.

Have you ever experienced the break-down of your emotions? Have you ever felt frozen, or stuck, at some point? I’m talking about being physically unable to move or even think. Chances are, if you’ve ever been dealt a blow from life, you know what I’m talking about. If not, imagine the reaction you have (or would have) if you received news that your absolute best friend suddenly passed away unexpectedly. You will more than likely experience shock, disbelief, and yes – grief.

This same feeling occurs when life deals you an unexpected blow. In this instance, I’m referring to the end of a toxic relationship. Whether it’s your marriage, a platonic relationship, or a familial one, the end of these relationships generally bring about the same feelings of disbelief and grief. I personally witnessed the break-down of an individual in this regard over the weekend. After many, many years (longer than I’ve been an adult), a marriage is ending. A life, in essence is ending. The life that this individual has known for the past 25-30 years has come to a point where it no longer exists. The life that this individual had planned out for his/her future is no longer within reach.

Now, for some of us (myself included), it’s easy to say just pick-up the pieces and start over. Yes, this would be an easier thing for someone like me to do – I mean, I’ve had to restart and reinvent my life more times than I’d like to admit. Starting over, for someone who has lived the same life for decades, isn’t nearly as easy. Hell, it may not even seem do-able at this point. Think about this – the individual not only is mourning the loss of their marriage and life, they are forced to learn and decide who they are as an individual – NOT A MARRIED INDIVIDUAL. I for one can tell you figuring out who you are and who you want to be is not an easy thing. Seriously, I’ve had to brainstorm my life and what I wanted it to be to the point of my freaking head wanting to explode. I’m pretty sure at some point my heart actually died or moved the hell out on to some other, less f*@%ed up location. Now imagine having to figure out who you are and what your life is going to be like after who you have been for the past 30 years no longer exists...

This individual is faced with having to do even the most mundane daily tasks differently. He/she will have to now make decisions on their own – not something they were used to doing. Let’s not forget – the loneliness. God, the loneliness is unbearable.

As usual, this CSA is going to request that you put yourself in the shoes of others. Let’s do better to at trying to understand and empathize (NOT SYMPATHIZE) with everyone – especially those that are experiencing a period of grief. Let’s be more compassionate, be more encouraging. BE KIND. Before you so quickly pass judgement (and yes – this will be another CSA topic at some point), stop and consider (and so will consideration…) what another person is dealing with. Grief is such a complex and ever-changing experience. It’s different for nearly everyone, yet follows the same basic pattern – no matter the cause. Remember, if you’re going to offer advice (and I suggest you don’t, just offer support) please make sure it’s not the same old ‘just pick-up the pieces and move forward.’

So, to sum this up – the moral to this story is #Don’tBeAnAsshat. Shocker, right!?!

Compassion, understanding, kindness, and most importantly – LOVE. These are the tools for support that anyone grieving will need from you. Not your shallow, vague piece of advice to just move on.

Much Love!

#LettingGo #KindnessAlways

Giving Away My Sanity...

Ok, so this one is definitely a personal one for me – I allow other people and situations to make me lose my cool more often than I should. We are all guilty of this, we are human after all. Here’s the thing, WE are supposed to be in control of our own happiness. We are supposed to be in control of our attitudes and our emotions. Unfortunately, we aren’t always so great at being in control of ourselves.

For instance, I’m currently experiencing a Monday to beat all Mondays. Everyone I talk to seems to be in some sort of mood that requires them to respond with some sort of ridiculousness. Whether they are telling me that they don’t read the emails I send, or that they have no idea what they will have completed by a deadline, or just that they have already sent what I’m asking for so I have no reason to be asking for it – no matter that what was sent is incorrect. I will admit, to this point of my day I’ve been in a major WTF mood. It just hit me though, I just had a conversation regarding letting others take away your sanity. Rather, handing your sanity over to others.

In the conversation mentioned above, it seemed a simple solution – don’t let a child have your sanity. You’re the adult, they are the child. When necessary, discipline must be used to ensure that the child follows the rules and doesn’t manipulate people and/or situations to their own agenda. I realize now that maybe that isn’t as easy as it seems. When it comes to children, rules and expectations MUST be made clear. This is especially important when changes in the rules and expectations occur. Once these things are made clear to the child, there must be discipline in place to enforce the rules. Your choice of discipline is up to you, not one thing works for everyone. Trial and error is usually the only way to figure out what works for you.The one thing to remember is that NO child should ever have the ability or the power to hold your sanity in their hands.

Now, for the situation I first recalled – it should be as easily resolved. Yes, I know that not everyone works, reacts, and behaves the same way. Guess what, that’s not my problem or yours. What is my problem is the foul mood that I’ve allowed to surface because of the actions of others. It’s ok to not agree with the behavior and responses of those I’ve had to deal with. No two people will agree all of the time. What’s not ok is allowing the actions of others to change my actions and/or mood. So how do I keep from handing my sanity off to others? Well, for me, I take a break. I take a step away from the situation. Also, while I’m away from the situation, I ask God for help. Usually I’m only able to utter two words: Jesus HELP! This works for me. It may not work for you. Maybe you don’t pray, maybe you don’t talk to God (or don’t believe in Him) – that’s perfectly fine also. Still, take a break. Step away for a moment or two. Take some deep breaths, count to 85 (sometimes 10 just isn’t enough), close your eyes and remind yourself that you are a complete badass and more than capable of handling anything AND keeping your cool.

The difficult lesson here is that we are all guilty of giving our sanity away to others. We need to remember that our happiness is a choice we make. Happiness is something we decide ahead of time. We must be aware when people and situations are affecting our mood and happiness. We must actively try to keep from giving our sanity away. Mainly, because if you give away your sanity to someone else, they are more than likely going to keep it…

Much love!

#KeepYourSanity #KindnessAlways