The Ugly Truth: An Intense Look at the Person Staring Back at Me

There are so many self-help books and articles available to each of us. We constantly hear from others about how we need to work on certain things about our personalities, looks or behavior. If you’re anything like me, you will usually tend to just ignore (for the most part) all of these ‘constructive’ criticisms and continue on about your business. What happens when you’re forced to face head on things about yourself that may actually need work?

Here’s what happens… at least in my case:

While talking to someone I care deeply about and whose opinion actually matters to me, I’ve been forced to really take a closer look at myself. Now, before I get too deep into this, please know that I have no grandiose ideas of myself as a flawless individual. I just typically choose to acknowledge my flaws privately and deal with the deep rooted lack of confidence in myself in private.

First, I’ve come to realize that I’m failing as a parent. Please, I’m not putting this out there for all of you to try and comfort me with the “you’re an amazing parent,” “you’re doing the best you can as a single parent,” comments. I’m being completely honest here. I’m failing when it comes to discipline, entertainment, inspiring creativity and molding my son into an awesome individual. LUCKILY, he is MY son… ;)

This kid can’t help to be anything but awesome. Yes, I may lack quite a bit in my discipline. I’m tired. I work all day and am physically and mentally exhausted by the time we get home. So yes, I do let things slide that I probably shouldn’t. Honestly, I had convinced myself that things would work themselves out as my son gets older and learns right from wrong. After the above-mentioned conversation, I’ve realized I’m a fool. No naughty or nice fairy is going to come in while I’m asleep and magically teach my son the difference between wrong and right. Said fairy is not going to just step into my shoes and handle my child raising responsibilities for me. After my insightful conversation partner broke it down for me, I’m obliged to actually make a serious effort at being a better parent. It’s my job to make sure that my son learns all of the things I wish him learn. It’s my duty to instill in him all of the compassion, love, kindness, caring and respectfulness that I wish him to have. So, after much grappling with the idea of being called out as an under par parent, I concede. I WILL DO BETTER.

Second, and even more painfully enlightening than being told I suck as a parent, is the fact that I’m forced to face the fact that I’m boring. Yes, boring. I never would have used that word to describe myself. Creature of habit, routine, OCD and maybe even a bit on the off side. Just not boring. I stopped after the lengthy definition of what boring entails in this conversation. I pondered what the other individual had said. I was fuming. You’ve just called me out on my parenting and now you’re telling me I’m boring. I’ve actually impressed myself at this point by not beating the crap out of my conversation partner. Literally I could see myself chocking the breath out of this person. I then realized that if I followed through with my initial instinct, I’d be in jail and all hopes of raising my son to become the man I would love for him to be would be over. So, I didn’t do anything rash. Instead, I sat in silence. For a while. A LONG LONG while. Then it hit me. My need for routine and order actually do come across as boring. Boring to those who are not so obsessed with color coded closets, nothing out of place living rooms, perfectly folded clothes, spotless bathrooms and an immaculately clean kitchen. EEK, I’m that person. I’m the boring one so concerned over the little things that really shouldn’t matter (because really, what good is a color coded closet with everything in order by sleeve length and jean shade, going to do me when my soul escapes this world?) I vow, from this point on to do my best to be less boring. I will try my hardest to be more adventurous, more spontaneous, more silly, more open to things out of the ordinary.

Third, I realized after this eye-opening conversation that I’m not as awesome as I like to try and convince myself that I am. I’m also not significant other material. Ouch, this hurts. I’m hoping this is just a temporary thing as I’d really like to find someone to share my life with at some point. I realize though, that being so stuck in my ways, and letting my exhaustion and irritability be my excuses for my behavior will keep me from being the person that another person wants to share their life with. These last couple of days have been eye-opening, painful, hurtful, helpful and motivational. I’m praying at this very moment that God will grant me the courage and the strength to really work on these flaws that have been brought to my attention. I ask God to bless the individual who was strong enough and brave enough to actually confront me about these flaws and put their own life at risk in doing so, ;)

All this being said, I just want to say that sometimes, we should really listen to the constructive criticism. We are raised to believe that as long as we are happy with ourselves, then we shouldn’t worry about what others think. NOT SO. My grandmother says that we don’t raise our kids for ourselves, we raise them for other people. I’m not going to explain this right now. I only mention it because I think it applies to adults as well. We don’t work on ourselves for us. We do it so that others will want to be around us. We want others to like us, to love us, to look up to us, to be inspired by us. We are human, we crave acceptance and love from others. It’s who we are.

So, thank you to my conversation partner. You have made me view myself in a different light and you’ve inspired me to be better. You have challenged me to be the best me I can be. I hope you plan on sticking around long enough to witness the transformation.