I'm a Basket Case.

I want to start this off by saying that some of you reading this, possibly the majority of you, will not understand what I’m talking about. Some of you will find it hard to understand because you have never personally experienced this issue. Please, after reading this, take time to really think about this and try to apply a better understanding towards people in your daily lives.

Fear is part of all of your lives. Whether your fear is being alone or you have an immense fear of garden gnomes, fear plays a part in all of our lives. Our reaction to fear – how we allow fear to affect our behavior – is different for all of us.

My reaction to my biggest fear has always caused me heartache and pain.  My biggest fear is that I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for the things I want in or out of life. I fear that I’m not a good enough mom. I fear that I’m not a good enough daughter. I fear that I will never be good enough to deserve the true, unconditional love of a man. This insane fear has ruled over me for the majority of my life. I’m still battling it today, successfully at times and unsuccessfully at others.

For the better part of my teenage and young adult years, I was made to feel as though I would never be good enough, for anything. I wasn’t popular enough in school; my grades weren’t good enough at home. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good enough. I was told regularly that I could be more popular, I could have a boyfriend, if… basically, to my brain at that time all I heard was, “If you want to have or be anything in life, you’re going to have to physically change yourself.”

Obviously, my self-esteem wasn’t great. I’d allowed all of this negative in my life to create a fear inside of me that for some time has controlled my behavior. I’ve allowed that fear to turn me into a basket case of a person. Get ready, this is crazy and probably will not make any sense…

The most obvious example I can give is my behavior in a personal/romantic relationship. If I feel that a person isn’t that interested in me, I will push and push and try and try to prove to the person that I am good enough. I will drive myself mad trying to prove that I can be good enough for them to want me, to love me. This in turn only ends up pushing the other person away.

On the opposite end of this ridiculousness – if I feel that a person truly cares for me, loves me, I will freak out and go into true basket case mode. I’m so scared that if I allow myself to truly care about a person that truly cares about me, things will end in heartache and pain on my end. I will create scenarios in my head where the person all of sudden realizes I’m not good enough to love and then disappears. I’m so scared of this actually happening that I will begin to push that person away. I will convince myself that there are reasons I can’t care for this person. I will change my behavior towards the person completely in an effort to push the individual away. Remember, I’ve made up all of these things in my head, nothing has actually happened to cause me to change my behavior… BASKET CASE.

Up until now, this ridiculous behavior has only caused me more pain that what I feared in the first place. This maddening behavior has cost me a couple of really important relationships.  I can look back now and see exactly when and where the madness would start. I can actually pinpoint where it takes over and how it’s affected everything. It’s painful to look back at these situations. Even more painful is the fact that I actually know when it’s occurring. It’s like I’m fighting with myself trying not to let the ridiculousness take over, but it usually wins the battle.

I say all of this not to make excuses, and not to be sent off to an institution. ;)

I say all of this so that maybe, just maybe, someone reading it will understand that sometimes, it’s not the other person’s fault for being a basket case. I’m trying to give you an insight into what happens in a mind controlled by fear. Understand that we (basket cases) usually know our behavior is crazy, we just can’t stop it. Be kind and compassionate and be aware. A sudden change in behavior on someone’s part may just be them fighting the basket case battle.

Also – I fear spiders and snakes. I will AVOID them at all costs.

Lots of Love!