Swimming Lessons

I read something somewhere that really struck a nerve: ‘Stop taking swimming lessons from people who are drowning.’

Please read it again! 

Understand that the saying isn’t about literal swimming. This is about life. When I stopped to contemplate this seemingly very simple statement, I realized that if we’re not careful we may very well end up doing more harm by asking for/giving advice to others.

This is a two-part situation. So here we go!

First - Don’t go asking for advice on your life from just anyone. Be sure to know who and where your advice is coming from. We all have friends, acquaintances, and people around us. Just because we surround ourselves with people we choose, doesn’t mean the people are the RIGHT people to be going to for advice. I’ll admit, this first part isn’t so difficult for me to follow. I’m super picky about where I ask for advice. Mainly because I don’t discuss personal matters with just anyone (this is and will be an entirely separate CSA). Before going to someone for advice, consider what you know about the individual. Example: If you’re asking for advice on how to deal with a strong-willed toddler – you’re not going to ask advice of someone with no children. If you’re looking for advice on how to be financially successful – you’re not going to ask someone living in the same situation as yourself (paycheck to paycheck). The point being, stop going to people with no experience in the things you’re needing advice about. This is the equivalent of taking swimming lessons from someone who is drowning. You’re not going to learn to swim. Instead, you’ll both end up at the bottom.

Second – STOP giving advice on things you’re not qualified to give advice about. Let’s say your friend is needing advice on how to deal with their strong-willed toddler. If you haven’t dealt with a toddler – on a daily basis – DO NOT try to give advice on how to deal with the said toddler. If your friend has a child that is acting a bit out of control, please DO NOT give advice on how your friend should deal with this child if your child is putting you through the same sort of situation. I.E. don’t try to tell someone how to discipline their child if your child is also out of control and you’re not able to resolve your own situation.

The thing to remember here is that yes, we are all human. We all offer advice, usually out of love and what we think is a kindness. However, please understand that the advice you’re offering isn’t always what the other person needs. If you’re not an expert (and guess what, there are actual experts that can give you helpful advice for just about anything), please don’t try to point out what others are doing wrong in situations that you think they should do differently. ESPECIALLY DO NOT do this if your advice is just your way of avoiding your own problems.

We all need love and understanding. We are all capable of love and understanding. Leave the advice giving to those that are qualified for it. If you’re the one receiving/requesting the advice, just be sure to consider the source before requesting actual advice.

Try to avoid taking swimming lessons from someone that is drowning.

Much love!

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #JustKeepSwimming

F*#% FEAR!

I updated my cover photo on FB yesterday. It’s a simple photo, with a simple message – ‘Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.’ This message got me thinking. Y’all know what happens when I start thinking… yep, a whole new CSA!

We all have wounds (the emotional ones are what I’m talking about here). Most of us didn’t create these wounds ourselves. Here’s the kicker though… we are the reason the wounds won’t heal. These emotional wounds may seem to heal, yet in reality, they’ve only been covered by an emotional scab. If we really look at the wound, it opens back up and we feel all of the same emotions we felt when these wounds were created. Here’s the insanely simple reason why – FEAR.

Of course, I’ll use myself as an example (I’m sure you’ll find pieces of yourself in this tale). It’s no secret that I’ve not been successful with personal relationships. I’ve been through multiple breakups that left me with a sense of unworthiness, a sense of emptiness. At one point, the darkness took over and I contemplated no longer existing. After fighting my way out of that bad place, I decided I would never allow anyone or anything to make me feel that way again. My solution? Push that feeling and that time so far to the depths of my core that it’s lost from sight. Ignore it. Pretend it didn’t exist. Remove me from any situation that would even have the possibility of ending the way the others did. Basically… I’ve closed myself off to the idea of a relationship. I’ve hidden away. I’ve refused to even entertain the idea of getting close to anyone. Want to know where this has gotten me? NO F’ING WHERE. Wait, does miserable count? That’s about all it amounts to. I’ve allowed my fear of getting hurt, my fear of not having my feelings reciprocated, to push me to the point of misery. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I’ve pushed it out of sight and closed myself off from the possibility of a real relationship.

Seriously, how in the hell does this even make any sense. It’s so much more ridiculous seeing it on paper!! Hey, I got my heart broken a couple of times, so now I’ll just deprive myself of what I want most in life – because I’m scared to get hurt. Y’all, I’m seriously laughing hysterically in my head right now. If any of my friends told me this I would more than likely slap the mess out of them and start laughing. Yet, here I am letting my fear of heartache keep me from finding my own happiness. This is the most ridiculous shit I’ve heard in a while. Seriously.

The craziness gets better. This act of closing myself off to opportunities spills over to my professional life also. I’ve become so used to just being that I’ve stopped pursuing more. Really it boils down to a FEAR of failure. Thinking I’m not good enough to advance, I’m not qualified for what I want (mind you, I know damn good and well that I can and will achieve anything I set out to accomplish), I have just stopped trying. What kind of insanity is this? Who just stops trying to be better because they are scared of failure??? Me, and quite possibly, most of you reading this. Here’s the thing, let’s stop being ridiculous. Let’s pull up our grown-up undies, kick ourselves in the ass, and move forward. Personally, professionally. Whatever it is that you’ve allowed your FEAR to stop you from doing, STOP YOUR FEAR. Find you a good support system (I’m always here if you need). Say a prayer, grab your rabbit’s foot, and step out on faith. Jump, Leap, Crawl – Just show your FEAR that you are stronger than it is. We can do this together!

Step one for me – say yes to the date invitation. Check (Y'all, I’m scared shitless about this!)

Step two for me – go after what will make you happy professionally (working on this, and yes I’m super scared).

While I’m not a fan of the cliché New Year New Me, it seems that this is exactly what we all need to do. New Year – No FEAR!

Much Love!

#KindessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #F&#%FEAR

AT LEAST...

You know those perfect lives you see… the ones in public, or on social media. You know how they’re all picture perfect, with their pretty little people and their pretty little pictures… ughh, I actually get exhausted just thinking about them. I want to BE them. Obviously, I’m not. Guess what… that’s absolutely freaking okay.

For me, life is hard. It’s hard to get through each moment of each day. That’s okay. Not everyone was meant to be a bubbly, picture perfect example of life. You want to know what’s not okay? Comparing yourself to these ideals of life! Guess what, every single person in life has difficulties. The difficulties will more than likely be different than yours, they may be things that you think aren’t difficult, and they may be things you don’t think you could ever handle. Just understand this – everyone likes to air their greatness, no one likes to air their defeat. This took me a long time to understand. I’m guilty of allowing the picture perfectness of others to affect my own personal beliefs about myself and my life. I was in a really dark, depressed, and scary place. To be honest, there were times I didn’t want to continue existing. Yes, that kind of dark and scary place. The good news is, I got through it! With only two little words, I managed to scrape and crawl my way out of my most darkest times.

AT LEAST

That’s it, really. Some people call it finding a positive. Others call it being grateful. At that time in my life, positive and grateful weren’t words I could comprehend. AT LEAST. Those were words that somehow made it through the little cracks in my dark world. Those were the words that slapped me in the face and made me realize that my life, as dark and scary as it was, was worth living. No, my life wasn’t great. It wasn’t even good at that point. However… AT LEAST it was MY LIFE. I had a life. Having a life meant I had options and opportunities.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not where I’d like to be in life. AT LEAST I’m not where I was. I’d like to challenge you to find the AT LEAST in your life. Being an adult and doing life is hard. It can get to the best of us. When you’re down, defeated, and just exhausted – find the AT LEAST!

I’m always broke – AT LEAST I have a roof over my head.

My car is old and crappy – AT LEAST it’s still running.

I always have to say no when invited out – AT LEAST I have food to eat at home.

Everything in my life seems to be against me – AT LEAST I’m alive!

Changing your attitude and lifestyle is a HUGE and difficult choice. It’s not an overnight process. When we are so focused on pointing out the negatives, trying to be positive and grateful can be overwhelming. Instead of backing down or giving up, just look for your AT LEAST. Everyone has one. I promise you, even the homeless, jobless, lost soul has an AT LEAST. Start off small, find your AT LEAST just once a day. You’ll soon find yourself finding an AT LEAST to everything. Then maybe, just maybe, you’ll become that annoyingly positive person that you’re always complaining about. You may realize that the positive person isn’t actually annoying – you were just envious of what you thought was their picture perfect...

#MuchLove #KindnessAlways #FindYourAtLeast

Letting Go

Grief – sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair.

“Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.” You guessed it; this CSA will revolve around grief. Particularly, the grief of your life lost. This isn’t in the sense that you physically die. I’m talking about the life that you’ve known, have grown accustomed to, no longer existing. The loss of the life you had planned out, the life you’ve been working towards for so long.

More times than not, we associate grief with the physical loss of life, and not the emotional loss. We understand that there is a process for grief when mourning the loss of a physical life. We are more accepting of another person’s grief when we can link it to physical death.  The thing is, we (as in we as a society, or just you as a person) need to get better at recognizing and understanding a person’s grief that isn’t related to a physical death.

Have you ever experienced the break-down of your emotions? Have you ever felt frozen, or stuck, at some point? I’m talking about being physically unable to move or even think. Chances are, if you’ve ever been dealt a blow from life, you know what I’m talking about. If not, imagine the reaction you have (or would have) if you received news that your absolute best friend suddenly passed away unexpectedly. You will more than likely experience shock, disbelief, and yes – grief.

This same feeling occurs when life deals you an unexpected blow. In this instance, I’m referring to the end of a toxic relationship. Whether it’s your marriage, a platonic relationship, or a familial one, the end of these relationships generally bring about the same feelings of disbelief and grief. I personally witnessed the break-down of an individual in this regard over the weekend. After many, many years (longer than I’ve been an adult), a marriage is ending. A life, in essence is ending. The life that this individual has known for the past 25-30 years has come to a point where it no longer exists. The life that this individual had planned out for his/her future is no longer within reach.

Now, for some of us (myself included), it’s easy to say just pick-up the pieces and start over. Yes, this would be an easier thing for someone like me to do – I mean, I’ve had to restart and reinvent my life more times than I’d like to admit. Starting over, for someone who has lived the same life for decades, isn’t nearly as easy. Hell, it may not even seem do-able at this point. Think about this – the individual not only is mourning the loss of their marriage and life, they are forced to learn and decide who they are as an individual – NOT A MARRIED INDIVIDUAL. I for one can tell you figuring out who you are and who you want to be is not an easy thing. Seriously, I’ve had to brainstorm my life and what I wanted it to be to the point of my freaking head wanting to explode. I’m pretty sure at some point my heart actually died or moved the hell out on to some other, less f*@%ed up location. Now imagine having to figure out who you are and what your life is going to be like after who you have been for the past 30 years no longer exists...

This individual is faced with having to do even the most mundane daily tasks differently. He/she will have to now make decisions on their own – not something they were used to doing. Let’s not forget – the loneliness. God, the loneliness is unbearable.

As usual, this CSA is going to request that you put yourself in the shoes of others. Let’s do better to at trying to understand and empathize (NOT SYMPATHIZE) with everyone – especially those that are experiencing a period of grief. Let’s be more compassionate, be more encouraging. BE KIND. Before you so quickly pass judgement (and yes – this will be another CSA topic at some point), stop and consider (and so will consideration…) what another person is dealing with. Grief is such a complex and ever-changing experience. It’s different for nearly everyone, yet follows the same basic pattern – no matter the cause. Remember, if you’re going to offer advice (and I suggest you don’t, just offer support) please make sure it’s not the same old ‘just pick-up the pieces and move forward.’

So, to sum this up – the moral to this story is #Don’tBeAnAsshat. Shocker, right!?!

Compassion, understanding, kindness, and most importantly – LOVE. These are the tools for support that anyone grieving will need from you. Not your shallow, vague piece of advice to just move on.

Much Love!

#LettingGo #KindnessAlways

Giving Away My Sanity...

Ok, so this one is definitely a personal one for me – I allow other people and situations to make me lose my cool more often than I should. We are all guilty of this, we are human after all. Here’s the thing, WE are supposed to be in control of our own happiness. We are supposed to be in control of our attitudes and our emotions. Unfortunately, we aren’t always so great at being in control of ourselves.

For instance, I’m currently experiencing a Monday to beat all Mondays. Everyone I talk to seems to be in some sort of mood that requires them to respond with some sort of ridiculousness. Whether they are telling me that they don’t read the emails I send, or that they have no idea what they will have completed by a deadline, or just that they have already sent what I’m asking for so I have no reason to be asking for it – no matter that what was sent is incorrect. I will admit, to this point of my day I’ve been in a major WTF mood. It just hit me though, I just had a conversation regarding letting others take away your sanity. Rather, handing your sanity over to others.

In the conversation mentioned above, it seemed a simple solution – don’t let a child have your sanity. You’re the adult, they are the child. When necessary, discipline must be used to ensure that the child follows the rules and doesn’t manipulate people and/or situations to their own agenda. I realize now that maybe that isn’t as easy as it seems. When it comes to children, rules and expectations MUST be made clear. This is especially important when changes in the rules and expectations occur. Once these things are made clear to the child, there must be discipline in place to enforce the rules. Your choice of discipline is up to you, not one thing works for everyone. Trial and error is usually the only way to figure out what works for you.The one thing to remember is that NO child should ever have the ability or the power to hold your sanity in their hands.

Now, for the situation I first recalled – it should be as easily resolved. Yes, I know that not everyone works, reacts, and behaves the same way. Guess what, that’s not my problem or yours. What is my problem is the foul mood that I’ve allowed to surface because of the actions of others. It’s ok to not agree with the behavior and responses of those I’ve had to deal with. No two people will agree all of the time. What’s not ok is allowing the actions of others to change my actions and/or mood. So how do I keep from handing my sanity off to others? Well, for me, I take a break. I take a step away from the situation. Also, while I’m away from the situation, I ask God for help. Usually I’m only able to utter two words: Jesus HELP! This works for me. It may not work for you. Maybe you don’t pray, maybe you don’t talk to God (or don’t believe in Him) – that’s perfectly fine also. Still, take a break. Step away for a moment or two. Take some deep breaths, count to 85 (sometimes 10 just isn’t enough), close your eyes and remind yourself that you are a complete badass and more than capable of handling anything AND keeping your cool.

The difficult lesson here is that we are all guilty of giving our sanity away to others. We need to remember that our happiness is a choice we make. Happiness is something we decide ahead of time. We must be aware when people and situations are affecting our mood and happiness. We must actively try to keep from giving our sanity away. Mainly, because if you give away your sanity to someone else, they are more than likely going to keep it…

Much love!

#KeepYourSanity #KindnessAlways

Wake Up!

I’m realizing that lately, I haven’t really been the best me I can be. I’ve been overwhelmed by stress and anxiety and have allowed the devastating effects to seep out into my relationships with other people (humans as Colt would say).

I’ve been retreating into that dark place where I go to try and escape the depressing realities of the world. I’ve been trying to hide from the disappointments that I’m faced with each day. In doing this, I’ve allowed my personal relationships to suffer. Without realizing it, I’ve pulled myself away from life. In doing this, I’ve become easily agitated. I find myself being judgmental of others (which is the exact opposite of what I strive to do). I’ve fallen so far into this hole of despair that I’ve forgotten that I’m not the only person in the world dealing with life.

To those of you that have been directly affected by my craziness, I apologize. I’m truly sorry for any hurt, disgust, or extra stress I’ve added to your life. This is the exact opposite of the type of person I strive to be in life. I’m constantly pushing for kindness, compassion, understanding and love for everyone. Yet, here I am worrying about Me Me Me. So ridiculous.

Instead of focusing on everything that’s going wrong, or not the way I think it should, I WILL start focusing on the good in life. I have an amazingly kind, compassionate and intelligent son. This child loves me no matter what. He is always there by my side to remind me of the most epic thing I’ve done in my life. I have a family, a wonderfully and amazingly crazy family. No matter how ridiculous things get for any of us, I know that they will always be there to offer a shoulder to lean on, a hand getting up, or just a session of drunken karaoke. I have friends, great friends that I may not see often, but will always be there to shake some sense into me or to just listen.  I have a job; I have my health, and most of all… I have God – God who will never forsake me and will always, ALWAYS make sure that I’m taken care of.

I guess the lesson here is STOP to START!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop allowing yourself to get wrapped up in all that is wrong with life and START focusing on all that is right. Stop running away from the people that care most for you and START mending relationships and taking the first step to enjoy life with each other. Stop waiting for people to come to you so that you feel better, start going to them. Stop getting through life and start enjoying life. No matter where you are in your life right now, there are plenty of things to enjoy, so start enjoying!

Much love!

#KindnessAlways

I'm a Basket Case.

I want to start this off by saying that some of you reading this, possibly the majority of you, will not understand what I’m talking about. Some of you will find it hard to understand because you have never personally experienced this issue. Please, after reading this, take time to really think about this and try to apply a better understanding towards people in your daily lives.

Fear is part of all of your lives. Whether your fear is being alone or you have an immense fear of garden gnomes, fear plays a part in all of our lives. Our reaction to fear – how we allow fear to affect our behavior – is different for all of us.

My reaction to my biggest fear has always caused me heartache and pain.  My biggest fear is that I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for the things I want in or out of life. I fear that I’m not a good enough mom. I fear that I’m not a good enough daughter. I fear that I will never be good enough to deserve the true, unconditional love of a man. This insane fear has ruled over me for the majority of my life. I’m still battling it today, successfully at times and unsuccessfully at others.

For the better part of my teenage and young adult years, I was made to feel as though I would never be good enough, for anything. I wasn’t popular enough in school; my grades weren’t good enough at home. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good enough. I was told regularly that I could be more popular, I could have a boyfriend, if… basically, to my brain at that time all I heard was, “If you want to have or be anything in life, you’re going to have to physically change yourself.”

Obviously, my self-esteem wasn’t great. I’d allowed all of this negative in my life to create a fear inside of me that for some time has controlled my behavior. I’ve allowed that fear to turn me into a basket case of a person. Get ready, this is crazy and probably will not make any sense…

The most obvious example I can give is my behavior in a personal/romantic relationship. If I feel that a person isn’t that interested in me, I will push and push and try and try to prove to the person that I am good enough. I will drive myself mad trying to prove that I can be good enough for them to want me, to love me. This in turn only ends up pushing the other person away.

On the opposite end of this ridiculousness – if I feel that a person truly cares for me, loves me, I will freak out and go into true basket case mode. I’m so scared that if I allow myself to truly care about a person that truly cares about me, things will end in heartache and pain on my end. I will create scenarios in my head where the person all of sudden realizes I’m not good enough to love and then disappears. I’m so scared of this actually happening that I will begin to push that person away. I will convince myself that there are reasons I can’t care for this person. I will change my behavior towards the person completely in an effort to push the individual away. Remember, I’ve made up all of these things in my head, nothing has actually happened to cause me to change my behavior… BASKET CASE.

Up until now, this ridiculous behavior has only caused me more pain that what I feared in the first place. This maddening behavior has cost me a couple of really important relationships.  I can look back now and see exactly when and where the madness would start. I can actually pinpoint where it takes over and how it’s affected everything. It’s painful to look back at these situations. Even more painful is the fact that I actually know when it’s occurring. It’s like I’m fighting with myself trying not to let the ridiculousness take over, but it usually wins the battle.

I say all of this not to make excuses, and not to be sent off to an institution. ;)

I say all of this so that maybe, just maybe, someone reading it will understand that sometimes, it’s not the other person’s fault for being a basket case. I’m trying to give you an insight into what happens in a mind controlled by fear. Understand that we (basket cases) usually know our behavior is crazy, we just can’t stop it. Be kind and compassionate and be aware. A sudden change in behavior on someone’s part may just be them fighting the basket case battle.

Also – I fear spiders and snakes. I will AVOID them at all costs.

Lots of Love!