That Moment You Need to Ask for Help

As I sit down to write this, I'm not completely sure what I'm going to write about. I just realized that I've been sitting at home today crying. Crying for no one reason in particular and for every reason there is. My realization of a day completely wasted by this non-sense has me wondering if I'm finally cracking. We joke about these things often, having a mental breakdown, losing ourselves to our life struggles.

I've got a ton of things going on in my life, personal and professional. Who doesn't, though? So I'm sitting here writing, hoping it will help to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Ok, so I've been trying to figure this out for the past couple of hours, between the flood episodes. So far all I've come up with is that I'm needy and maybe a bit over sensitive and emotional. I need to feel like I matter. This is basically what all of my madness comes down to. I need to feel like in someones world, besides mine and my son's (he doesn't have a choice in the matter since I'm his mom), I matter. I need to feel like I rank somewhere on the importance scale. I want to feel like I'm a priority to someone.

What I'm noticing is that when I don't get this need met, I tend to breakdown. I feel rejected, unwanted, less than worthy and the value I like to think I bring to the table falls to zero. Before you all get ready to send over those "you're awesome," "you rock," "don't let others determine your self-worth" comments, just finish reading.

The thing is, I'm not normally prone to breaking down over not getting what I need. I've never been one to wait for others to validate my worth. I've always just been the one to keep pushing and know that eventually all of my hard work, kindness, compassion, love and goodness will eventually pay off.

"Billy Jean is not my lover...," sorry got a bit off track. Michael came on and it made me smile for a quick moment. Back to this...

Lately, I've been under a huge amount of stress professionally, which has affected my personal life. I've been less of the parent I want to be and less of relationship partner than I want to be. Because of this, I'm putting even more stress on myself, which is only making the ridiculousness worse. It seems I'm spinning around at stupid fast speeds and I can't stop. There are no hand holds to grab, no branches and damn, where are the brakes? I'm really starting to think that my anxiety over not being the person I need to be at home, or at work, or in the world at the moment has gotten to a point I can't come back from. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor to find out which of the anxiety medications may also work for just plain crazy and ridiculous. This is hard for me to admit to myself. I've dealt with depression before. I pushed my way out of it, more than once. I've overcome situations way worse than what my current situation seems to be from the outside (damn, there go the tears again). Why can't I get past this. Why can't I do the things I know I need to do and why can't I just force myself to be the person I need to be.

I guess the whole CSA lesson here is that we need to learn to figure out when it's time to ask for help. We need to get past our own doubts about what it means to ask for help and just freaking ask. Wouldn't it bet better for all of the people in my world, along with myself, if I'd just go see a doctor, ask for help and then get a move on getting over this? I mean, I give my all to everything I do. I always have. I don't like being less than, and at the rate I'm going, that's all I'll be able to do if something doesn't change.

Sorry, I know this one is a bit off and different from my usual. Like I said at the beginning. I didn't know what I was going to write, I just needed to write to get my head straight.

Thanks.