Be True To You.

Seriously, this seems so basic. Shouldn’t we all already know to stay true to ourselves? This seems like the most common of common sense ideas. Yet…

You guessed it; I for one have a really hard time being true to myself. If you’re honest with yourself, you probably do, too. As will all of these ideas, let me use myself as an example.

I recently had to remove myself from a situation. I stepped away from an actual relationship - one with someone of the opposite sex. A romantic(ish) relationship. This was so difficult to do. I fought with myself back and forth for a while over ending it. There was nothing really wrong. He is kind, caring, and selfless. Unfortunately, he wasn’t for me. He wanted to be. He convinced himself that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He just knew that I would be his happily ever after.

Please keep in mind that this entire relationship started and ended in a month’s time. Yes. A month. Talk about moving at warp speed.

Anyway, this guy, he was super nice. So selfless that when asked what made him happy, his only answer was anything that made me happy. After several conversations that all ended with him just agreeing with anything I said, I realized that no matter how much I want a real relationship, no matter how badly I want someone to love me and my son, this wasn’t going to be it. Y’all, I literally argued with myself about this realization for days. DAYS!

No matter how much I didn’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings, I had to. I also realized that his affection for me wasn’t exactly true, either. I found that he was so set on having a relationship and settling down (his words) that it didn’t necessarily have to be me he was with. He seriously said he loved me before we ever went on a date or spent any actual time together. He never seemed interested in getting to know me; just in saying he had a girlfriend and trying to rush into next level things. I’m not going to go into the details because it really creeps me out now that I think about it all more.

The point here is that this guy wants the idea of something so badly that he’s willing to jump right in, head first, eyes closed, full speed. For me, relationships take time. Time to learn about each other, time to grow – individually and together – time to figure out if each person can deal with the other’s little quirks. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I asked him to slow down, to not be pushy, he’d just agree and then go right back to pushing, moving forward. At first I went along with it all – because yeah, a relationship. Something I’ve wanted for so long was right there in front of me. I know without a doubt that no matter what I asked or said, this guy would give and agree.  He would do anything I said just because he was scared to lose me. Then I realized how unfair it all was. The whole thing was unfair to both of us. It’s unfair to me because I couldn’t picture a lifelong relationship with this guy. That feeling you get when the love of your life is near you – the one that gives you goosebumps and makes you wonder how you ever got so lucky – that feeling just isn’t there for me. (I’m not arguing this point by the way. I truly believe that everyone who is with the person they are meant to be with has a feeling when that person is near them. If you don’t think that’s necessary, then you’ll need to re-read this post a few times to truly understand the point.)

I realized that it isn’t fair to the guy to allow him to continue to pretend that he finally found the perfect relationship, what he’s been after for so long, if I’m not willing to give 100% to it. And finally, it sure as hell isn’t fair to my son to allow him to become attached to someone that I know damn good and well I’m not interested in being with long term.  I’m telling you, I’m still torn over the idea that I broke this guy’s heart, or at least hurt his feelings. He’s really a nice guy, and I really don’t like hurting people. I just know in my heart, in being honest with myself, that this guy isn’t IT for me. I pray he can forgive me, I pray I can forgive myself. I’m just choosing to not settle. I’m choosing to listen to who I am and what I truly want. I’m being true to myself.

All of this is to say, be true to you. Figure out who you are. Figure out what you truly want. Go after it. No matter how long it takes, even when it all seems pointless, NEVER SETTLE. Like the picture says, “if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” You can do this. It will be hard. I just know without a doubt, being true to you WILL BE WORTH IT.

Much Love

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #BeTrueToYou

W.O.R.K.

So this is another one that really hits home for me. I’ll go ahead and tell you now that I’m not great at putting in the work in areas that I probably need it the most. I suppose that makes me a work in progress…

We have all heard that anything worth having takes work. This is easy to understand in relation to monetary things. If you want to be financially successful, you will have to work. If you want the nice house, the nice car, the nice clothes – guess what. WORK.

Here’s where I got blindsided, and some of you may realize it’s the same for you – my own happiness and peace take WORK. Seriously, why this never crossed my mind earlier in life is beyond me. I’ve always given everything I have to any job I’ve been tasked with. I pride myself on my work ethic and my go-getter when it comes to actual jobs, paid or volunteer. Yet, I was never fully ok with myself. I never seemed to have a sense of fulfillment. Then it hit me (thanks to a small kick in the behind from my amazing cousin), I have to WORK at being the me that I want to be. My happiness is a result of my own effort at being happy. My peace has a direct connection to the amount of work I put in to being peaceful.  My attitude, either positive or negative, is the result of how much work (or lack of) I put into creating the attitude I want to have.

Here’s the wake-up call…

In order to become the person you want to be, you have to put in work. Work on yourself.

In order to have the life you want, you have to put in work. Work on your life.

Without ACTIVELY working on yourself, and your life, nothing will change. You will not accomplish the things you want for your life without putting in the work. I say ACTIVELY because let’s be honest, it’s one thing to post the positive saying every day – IT’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING TO ACTUALLY PRACTICE POSITIVITY. I’m guilty of this. I’m all about just ‘pretending’ to be the me I want to be, when in actuality, I’m still allowing outward circumstances and events to keep me from truly being the happy, positive, loving life person I want to be. I’m lying to myself if I think that just forwarding something positive in the morning will make me different. If I’m still angry at the world, or the day, or myself – I’m not ACTIVELY working on being better.

How do we do the WORK? Well, since I’m not actually an all-knowing being, I don’t have the answer for everyone. The WORK we must do is different for everyone. For me, it’s finding just one little reason to be happy for the day. I may have to do this multiple times throughout the day. When something not great occurs, I have to make myself find something to be happy about.  When I get sucked into the spiral of self-pity, I have to actively remind myself to find 1 thing to be grateful for each day. When I find myself passing judgement on a person or situation, I have to make myself choose to consider the circumstances and to be more compassionate and less judgmental.

The key here is to figure out who you want to be. Figure out what sort of life you want to have. Then create a working plan to achieve what you’ve decided you want for you. Be sure to remember this – YOU ARE NEVER ALONE IN THE JOURNEY. Find a group or a tribe – I can suggest a few – and be strong in yourself and ask for help when necessary.

Much Love!

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #DoYourWork

Swimming Lessons

I read something somewhere that really struck a nerve: ‘Stop taking swimming lessons from people who are drowning.’

Please read it again! 

Understand that the saying isn’t about literal swimming. This is about life. When I stopped to contemplate this seemingly very simple statement, I realized that if we’re not careful we may very well end up doing more harm by asking for/giving advice to others.

This is a two-part situation. So here we go!

First - Don’t go asking for advice on your life from just anyone. Be sure to know who and where your advice is coming from. We all have friends, acquaintances, and people around us. Just because we surround ourselves with people we choose, doesn’t mean the people are the RIGHT people to be going to for advice. I’ll admit, this first part isn’t so difficult for me to follow. I’m super picky about where I ask for advice. Mainly because I don’t discuss personal matters with just anyone (this is and will be an entirely separate CSA). Before going to someone for advice, consider what you know about the individual. Example: If you’re asking for advice on how to deal with a strong-willed toddler – you’re not going to ask advice of someone with no children. If you’re looking for advice on how to be financially successful – you’re not going to ask someone living in the same situation as yourself (paycheck to paycheck). The point being, stop going to people with no experience in the things you’re needing advice about. This is the equivalent of taking swimming lessons from someone who is drowning. You’re not going to learn to swim. Instead, you’ll both end up at the bottom.

Second – STOP giving advice on things you’re not qualified to give advice about. Let’s say your friend is needing advice on how to deal with their strong-willed toddler. If you haven’t dealt with a toddler – on a daily basis – DO NOT try to give advice on how to deal with the said toddler. If your friend has a child that is acting a bit out of control, please DO NOT give advice on how your friend should deal with this child if your child is putting you through the same sort of situation. I.E. don’t try to tell someone how to discipline their child if your child is also out of control and you’re not able to resolve your own situation.

The thing to remember here is that yes, we are all human. We all offer advice, usually out of love and what we think is a kindness. However, please understand that the advice you’re offering isn’t always what the other person needs. If you’re not an expert (and guess what, there are actual experts that can give you helpful advice for just about anything), please don’t try to point out what others are doing wrong in situations that you think they should do differently. ESPECIALLY DO NOT do this if your advice is just your way of avoiding your own problems.

We all need love and understanding. We are all capable of love and understanding. Leave the advice giving to those that are qualified for it. If you’re the one receiving/requesting the advice, just be sure to consider the source before requesting actual advice.

Try to avoid taking swimming lessons from someone that is drowning.

Much love!

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #JustKeepSwimming

F*#% FEAR!

I updated my cover photo on FB yesterday. It’s a simple photo, with a simple message – ‘Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.’ This message got me thinking. Y’all know what happens when I start thinking… yep, a whole new CSA!

We all have wounds (the emotional ones are what I’m talking about here). Most of us didn’t create these wounds ourselves. Here’s the kicker though… we are the reason the wounds won’t heal. These emotional wounds may seem to heal, yet in reality, they’ve only been covered by an emotional scab. If we really look at the wound, it opens back up and we feel all of the same emotions we felt when these wounds were created. Here’s the insanely simple reason why – FEAR.

Of course, I’ll use myself as an example (I’m sure you’ll find pieces of yourself in this tale). It’s no secret that I’ve not been successful with personal relationships. I’ve been through multiple breakups that left me with a sense of unworthiness, a sense of emptiness. At one point, the darkness took over and I contemplated no longer existing. After fighting my way out of that bad place, I decided I would never allow anyone or anything to make me feel that way again. My solution? Push that feeling and that time so far to the depths of my core that it’s lost from sight. Ignore it. Pretend it didn’t exist. Remove me from any situation that would even have the possibility of ending the way the others did. Basically… I’ve closed myself off to the idea of a relationship. I’ve hidden away. I’ve refused to even entertain the idea of getting close to anyone. Want to know where this has gotten me? NO F’ING WHERE. Wait, does miserable count? That’s about all it amounts to. I’ve allowed my fear of getting hurt, my fear of not having my feelings reciprocated, to push me to the point of misery. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I’ve pushed it out of sight and closed myself off from the possibility of a real relationship.

Seriously, how in the hell does this even make any sense. It’s so much more ridiculous seeing it on paper!! Hey, I got my heart broken a couple of times, so now I’ll just deprive myself of what I want most in life – because I’m scared to get hurt. Y’all, I’m seriously laughing hysterically in my head right now. If any of my friends told me this I would more than likely slap the mess out of them and start laughing. Yet, here I am letting my fear of heartache keep me from finding my own happiness. This is the most ridiculous shit I’ve heard in a while. Seriously.

The craziness gets better. This act of closing myself off to opportunities spills over to my professional life also. I’ve become so used to just being that I’ve stopped pursuing more. Really it boils down to a FEAR of failure. Thinking I’m not good enough to advance, I’m not qualified for what I want (mind you, I know damn good and well that I can and will achieve anything I set out to accomplish), I have just stopped trying. What kind of insanity is this? Who just stops trying to be better because they are scared of failure??? Me, and quite possibly, most of you reading this. Here’s the thing, let’s stop being ridiculous. Let’s pull up our grown-up undies, kick ourselves in the ass, and move forward. Personally, professionally. Whatever it is that you’ve allowed your FEAR to stop you from doing, STOP YOUR FEAR. Find you a good support system (I’m always here if you need). Say a prayer, grab your rabbit’s foot, and step out on faith. Jump, Leap, Crawl – Just show your FEAR that you are stronger than it is. We can do this together!

Step one for me – say yes to the date invitation. Check (Y'all, I’m scared shitless about this!)

Step two for me – go after what will make you happy professionally (working on this, and yes I’m super scared).

While I’m not a fan of the cliché New Year New Me, it seems that this is exactly what we all need to do. New Year – No FEAR!

Much Love!

#KindessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #F&#%FEAR

AT LEAST...

You know those perfect lives you see… the ones in public, or on social media. You know how they’re all picture perfect, with their pretty little people and their pretty little pictures… ughh, I actually get exhausted just thinking about them. I want to BE them. Obviously, I’m not. Guess what… that’s absolutely freaking okay.

For me, life is hard. It’s hard to get through each moment of each day. That’s okay. Not everyone was meant to be a bubbly, picture perfect example of life. You want to know what’s not okay? Comparing yourself to these ideals of life! Guess what, every single person in life has difficulties. The difficulties will more than likely be different than yours, they may be things that you think aren’t difficult, and they may be things you don’t think you could ever handle. Just understand this – everyone likes to air their greatness, no one likes to air their defeat. This took me a long time to understand. I’m guilty of allowing the picture perfectness of others to affect my own personal beliefs about myself and my life. I was in a really dark, depressed, and scary place. To be honest, there were times I didn’t want to continue existing. Yes, that kind of dark and scary place. The good news is, I got through it! With only two little words, I managed to scrape and crawl my way out of my most darkest times.

AT LEAST

That’s it, really. Some people call it finding a positive. Others call it being grateful. At that time in my life, positive and grateful weren’t words I could comprehend. AT LEAST. Those were words that somehow made it through the little cracks in my dark world. Those were the words that slapped me in the face and made me realize that my life, as dark and scary as it was, was worth living. No, my life wasn’t great. It wasn’t even good at that point. However… AT LEAST it was MY LIFE. I had a life. Having a life meant I had options and opportunities.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not where I’d like to be in life. AT LEAST I’m not where I was. I’d like to challenge you to find the AT LEAST in your life. Being an adult and doing life is hard. It can get to the best of us. When you’re down, defeated, and just exhausted – find the AT LEAST!

I’m always broke – AT LEAST I have a roof over my head.

My car is old and crappy – AT LEAST it’s still running.

I always have to say no when invited out – AT LEAST I have food to eat at home.

Everything in my life seems to be against me – AT LEAST I’m alive!

Changing your attitude and lifestyle is a HUGE and difficult choice. It’s not an overnight process. When we are so focused on pointing out the negatives, trying to be positive and grateful can be overwhelming. Instead of backing down or giving up, just look for your AT LEAST. Everyone has one. I promise you, even the homeless, jobless, lost soul has an AT LEAST. Start off small, find your AT LEAST just once a day. You’ll soon find yourself finding an AT LEAST to everything. Then maybe, just maybe, you’ll become that annoyingly positive person that you’re always complaining about. You may realize that the positive person isn’t actually annoying – you were just envious of what you thought was their picture perfect...

#MuchLove #KindnessAlways #FindYourAtLeast

Letting Go

Grief – sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair.

“Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.” You guessed it; this CSA will revolve around grief. Particularly, the grief of your life lost. This isn’t in the sense that you physically die. I’m talking about the life that you’ve known, have grown accustomed to, no longer existing. The loss of the life you had planned out, the life you’ve been working towards for so long.

More times than not, we associate grief with the physical loss of life, and not the emotional loss. We understand that there is a process for grief when mourning the loss of a physical life. We are more accepting of another person’s grief when we can link it to physical death.  The thing is, we (as in we as a society, or just you as a person) need to get better at recognizing and understanding a person’s grief that isn’t related to a physical death.

Have you ever experienced the break-down of your emotions? Have you ever felt frozen, or stuck, at some point? I’m talking about being physically unable to move or even think. Chances are, if you’ve ever been dealt a blow from life, you know what I’m talking about. If not, imagine the reaction you have (or would have) if you received news that your absolute best friend suddenly passed away unexpectedly. You will more than likely experience shock, disbelief, and yes – grief.

This same feeling occurs when life deals you an unexpected blow. In this instance, I’m referring to the end of a toxic relationship. Whether it’s your marriage, a platonic relationship, or a familial one, the end of these relationships generally bring about the same feelings of disbelief and grief. I personally witnessed the break-down of an individual in this regard over the weekend. After many, many years (longer than I’ve been an adult), a marriage is ending. A life, in essence is ending. The life that this individual has known for the past 25-30 years has come to a point where it no longer exists. The life that this individual had planned out for his/her future is no longer within reach.

Now, for some of us (myself included), it’s easy to say just pick-up the pieces and start over. Yes, this would be an easier thing for someone like me to do – I mean, I’ve had to restart and reinvent my life more times than I’d like to admit. Starting over, for someone who has lived the same life for decades, isn’t nearly as easy. Hell, it may not even seem do-able at this point. Think about this – the individual not only is mourning the loss of their marriage and life, they are forced to learn and decide who they are as an individual – NOT A MARRIED INDIVIDUAL. I for one can tell you figuring out who you are and who you want to be is not an easy thing. Seriously, I’ve had to brainstorm my life and what I wanted it to be to the point of my freaking head wanting to explode. I’m pretty sure at some point my heart actually died or moved the hell out on to some other, less f*@%ed up location. Now imagine having to figure out who you are and what your life is going to be like after who you have been for the past 30 years no longer exists...

This individual is faced with having to do even the most mundane daily tasks differently. He/she will have to now make decisions on their own – not something they were used to doing. Let’s not forget – the loneliness. God, the loneliness is unbearable.

As usual, this CSA is going to request that you put yourself in the shoes of others. Let’s do better to at trying to understand and empathize (NOT SYMPATHIZE) with everyone – especially those that are experiencing a period of grief. Let’s be more compassionate, be more encouraging. BE KIND. Before you so quickly pass judgement (and yes – this will be another CSA topic at some point), stop and consider (and so will consideration…) what another person is dealing with. Grief is such a complex and ever-changing experience. It’s different for nearly everyone, yet follows the same basic pattern – no matter the cause. Remember, if you’re going to offer advice (and I suggest you don’t, just offer support) please make sure it’s not the same old ‘just pick-up the pieces and move forward.’

So, to sum this up – the moral to this story is #Don’tBeAnAsshat. Shocker, right!?!

Compassion, understanding, kindness, and most importantly – LOVE. These are the tools for support that anyone grieving will need from you. Not your shallow, vague piece of advice to just move on.

Much Love!

#LettingGo #KindnessAlways

Giving Away My Sanity...

Ok, so this one is definitely a personal one for me – I allow other people and situations to make me lose my cool more often than I should. We are all guilty of this, we are human after all. Here’s the thing, WE are supposed to be in control of our own happiness. We are supposed to be in control of our attitudes and our emotions. Unfortunately, we aren’t always so great at being in control of ourselves.

For instance, I’m currently experiencing a Monday to beat all Mondays. Everyone I talk to seems to be in some sort of mood that requires them to respond with some sort of ridiculousness. Whether they are telling me that they don’t read the emails I send, or that they have no idea what they will have completed by a deadline, or just that they have already sent what I’m asking for so I have no reason to be asking for it – no matter that what was sent is incorrect. I will admit, to this point of my day I’ve been in a major WTF mood. It just hit me though, I just had a conversation regarding letting others take away your sanity. Rather, handing your sanity over to others.

In the conversation mentioned above, it seemed a simple solution – don’t let a child have your sanity. You’re the adult, they are the child. When necessary, discipline must be used to ensure that the child follows the rules and doesn’t manipulate people and/or situations to their own agenda. I realize now that maybe that isn’t as easy as it seems. When it comes to children, rules and expectations MUST be made clear. This is especially important when changes in the rules and expectations occur. Once these things are made clear to the child, there must be discipline in place to enforce the rules. Your choice of discipline is up to you, not one thing works for everyone. Trial and error is usually the only way to figure out what works for you.The one thing to remember is that NO child should ever have the ability or the power to hold your sanity in their hands.

Now, for the situation I first recalled – it should be as easily resolved. Yes, I know that not everyone works, reacts, and behaves the same way. Guess what, that’s not my problem or yours. What is my problem is the foul mood that I’ve allowed to surface because of the actions of others. It’s ok to not agree with the behavior and responses of those I’ve had to deal with. No two people will agree all of the time. What’s not ok is allowing the actions of others to change my actions and/or mood. So how do I keep from handing my sanity off to others? Well, for me, I take a break. I take a step away from the situation. Also, while I’m away from the situation, I ask God for help. Usually I’m only able to utter two words: Jesus HELP! This works for me. It may not work for you. Maybe you don’t pray, maybe you don’t talk to God (or don’t believe in Him) – that’s perfectly fine also. Still, take a break. Step away for a moment or two. Take some deep breaths, count to 85 (sometimes 10 just isn’t enough), close your eyes and remind yourself that you are a complete badass and more than capable of handling anything AND keeping your cool.

The difficult lesson here is that we are all guilty of giving our sanity away to others. We need to remember that our happiness is a choice we make. Happiness is something we decide ahead of time. We must be aware when people and situations are affecting our mood and happiness. We must actively try to keep from giving our sanity away. Mainly, because if you give away your sanity to someone else, they are more than likely going to keep it…

Much love!

#KeepYourSanity #KindnessAlways

Wake Up!

I’m realizing that lately, I haven’t really been the best me I can be. I’ve been overwhelmed by stress and anxiety and have allowed the devastating effects to seep out into my relationships with other people (humans as Colt would say).

I’ve been retreating into that dark place where I go to try and escape the depressing realities of the world. I’ve been trying to hide from the disappointments that I’m faced with each day. In doing this, I’ve allowed my personal relationships to suffer. Without realizing it, I’ve pulled myself away from life. In doing this, I’ve become easily agitated. I find myself being judgmental of others (which is the exact opposite of what I strive to do). I’ve fallen so far into this hole of despair that I’ve forgotten that I’m not the only person in the world dealing with life.

To those of you that have been directly affected by my craziness, I apologize. I’m truly sorry for any hurt, disgust, or extra stress I’ve added to your life. This is the exact opposite of the type of person I strive to be in life. I’m constantly pushing for kindness, compassion, understanding and love for everyone. Yet, here I am worrying about Me Me Me. So ridiculous.

Instead of focusing on everything that’s going wrong, or not the way I think it should, I WILL start focusing on the good in life. I have an amazingly kind, compassionate and intelligent son. This child loves me no matter what. He is always there by my side to remind me of the most epic thing I’ve done in my life. I have a family, a wonderfully and amazingly crazy family. No matter how ridiculous things get for any of us, I know that they will always be there to offer a shoulder to lean on, a hand getting up, or just a session of drunken karaoke. I have friends, great friends that I may not see often, but will always be there to shake some sense into me or to just listen.  I have a job; I have my health, and most of all… I have God – God who will never forsake me and will always, ALWAYS make sure that I’m taken care of.

I guess the lesson here is STOP to START!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop allowing yourself to get wrapped up in all that is wrong with life and START focusing on all that is right. Stop running away from the people that care most for you and START mending relationships and taking the first step to enjoy life with each other. Stop waiting for people to come to you so that you feel better, start going to them. Stop getting through life and start enjoying life. No matter where you are in your life right now, there are plenty of things to enjoy, so start enjoying!

Much love!

#KindnessAlways

I'm a Basket Case.

I want to start this off by saying that some of you reading this, possibly the majority of you, will not understand what I’m talking about. Some of you will find it hard to understand because you have never personally experienced this issue. Please, after reading this, take time to really think about this and try to apply a better understanding towards people in your daily lives.

Fear is part of all of your lives. Whether your fear is being alone or you have an immense fear of garden gnomes, fear plays a part in all of our lives. Our reaction to fear – how we allow fear to affect our behavior – is different for all of us.

My reaction to my biggest fear has always caused me heartache and pain.  My biggest fear is that I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for the things I want in or out of life. I fear that I’m not a good enough mom. I fear that I’m not a good enough daughter. I fear that I will never be good enough to deserve the true, unconditional love of a man. This insane fear has ruled over me for the majority of my life. I’m still battling it today, successfully at times and unsuccessfully at others.

For the better part of my teenage and young adult years, I was made to feel as though I would never be good enough, for anything. I wasn’t popular enough in school; my grades weren’t good enough at home. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good enough. I was told regularly that I could be more popular, I could have a boyfriend, if… basically, to my brain at that time all I heard was, “If you want to have or be anything in life, you’re going to have to physically change yourself.”

Obviously, my self-esteem wasn’t great. I’d allowed all of this negative in my life to create a fear inside of me that for some time has controlled my behavior. I’ve allowed that fear to turn me into a basket case of a person. Get ready, this is crazy and probably will not make any sense…

The most obvious example I can give is my behavior in a personal/romantic relationship. If I feel that a person isn’t that interested in me, I will push and push and try and try to prove to the person that I am good enough. I will drive myself mad trying to prove that I can be good enough for them to want me, to love me. This in turn only ends up pushing the other person away.

On the opposite end of this ridiculousness – if I feel that a person truly cares for me, loves me, I will freak out and go into true basket case mode. I’m so scared that if I allow myself to truly care about a person that truly cares about me, things will end in heartache and pain on my end. I will create scenarios in my head where the person all of sudden realizes I’m not good enough to love and then disappears. I’m so scared of this actually happening that I will begin to push that person away. I will convince myself that there are reasons I can’t care for this person. I will change my behavior towards the person completely in an effort to push the individual away. Remember, I’ve made up all of these things in my head, nothing has actually happened to cause me to change my behavior… BASKET CASE.

Up until now, this ridiculous behavior has only caused me more pain that what I feared in the first place. This maddening behavior has cost me a couple of really important relationships.  I can look back now and see exactly when and where the madness would start. I can actually pinpoint where it takes over and how it’s affected everything. It’s painful to look back at these situations. Even more painful is the fact that I actually know when it’s occurring. It’s like I’m fighting with myself trying not to let the ridiculousness take over, but it usually wins the battle.

I say all of this not to make excuses, and not to be sent off to an institution. ;)

I say all of this so that maybe, just maybe, someone reading it will understand that sometimes, it’s not the other person’s fault for being a basket case. I’m trying to give you an insight into what happens in a mind controlled by fear. Understand that we (basket cases) usually know our behavior is crazy, we just can’t stop it. Be kind and compassionate and be aware. A sudden change in behavior on someone’s part may just be them fighting the basket case battle.

Also – I fear spiders and snakes. I will AVOID them at all costs.

Lots of Love!

BE MINDFUL

I have days where I wake up and I’m just not in a good mood. I’m not necessarily in a bad mood, just irritable and aggravated. I can’t explain why this is or where it comes from. I have other days where everything seems to be going wrong… my depression is at a high, my life seems to be pointless and Newton’s laws are in full swing. These days don’t have anything particular to do with anyone, nor are they a result of anyone’s actions/attitude towards me. It’s something I go through. Sometimes, situations with other people may add to the stress level I’m dealing with, sometimes it may just be that my entire day is one stressful situation after another. I say all of this to say BE MINDFUL.

I’m sure that we ALL have days or weeks where we aren’t our best. We all deal with life – seeing as how we are all living. Everyone has to deal with stuff, everyone. Even a one week old will scream for something (usually they want food, or need a diaper changing). My point here is this, WE ALL GO THROUGH THINGS, WE ALL DEAL WITH STUFF. Remember this the next time you feel like someone is being rude or mean. Remember this when you think someone is being bitchy or stuck up. Just because someone doesn’t behave the way you feel they should at a particular moment doesn’t mean their behavior has anything to do with you.

The person next to you may be quiet and keeping to themselves because they have a lot going on that you don’t know about. Maybe it’s family oriented. Maybe it’s finances. Maybe it’s personal and not really any of your business.

Here’s a random thought – STOP BEING SO JUDGEMENTAL and BE MINDFUL instead. Don’t go around talking about how rude or stuck up someone is being. Don’t go around asking a million questions to find out if anyone knows what’s going on with another person. Just BE MINDFUL that maybe the person is dealing with his/her own stuff and may be just a bit too exhausted to entertain you at the moment.  Stop being a pest and instead, offer some encouragement. Send a private message letting them know that you hope they have a great day. If you can’t do that, just send a smiley face. You’d be surprised what a smile can do.

Oh, and while you’re BEING MINDFUL, go ahead and focus on yourself and try to figure out what you’re trying to avoid dealing with by being concerned about everyone else’s business. Just a thought.

Much Love!

#PayItForward

That Moment You Need to Ask for Help

As I sit down to write this, I'm not completely sure what I'm going to write about. I just realized that I've been sitting at home today crying. Crying for no one reason in particular and for every reason there is. My realization of a day completely wasted by this non-sense has me wondering if I'm finally cracking. We joke about these things often, having a mental breakdown, losing ourselves to our life struggles.

I've got a ton of things going on in my life, personal and professional. Who doesn't, though? So I'm sitting here writing, hoping it will help to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Ok, so I've been trying to figure this out for the past couple of hours, between the flood episodes. So far all I've come up with is that I'm needy and maybe a bit over sensitive and emotional. I need to feel like I matter. This is basically what all of my madness comes down to. I need to feel like in someones world, besides mine and my son's (he doesn't have a choice in the matter since I'm his mom), I matter. I need to feel like I rank somewhere on the importance scale. I want to feel like I'm a priority to someone.

What I'm noticing is that when I don't get this need met, I tend to breakdown. I feel rejected, unwanted, less than worthy and the value I like to think I bring to the table falls to zero. Before you all get ready to send over those "you're awesome," "you rock," "don't let others determine your self-worth" comments, just finish reading.

The thing is, I'm not normally prone to breaking down over not getting what I need. I've never been one to wait for others to validate my worth. I've always just been the one to keep pushing and know that eventually all of my hard work, kindness, compassion, love and goodness will eventually pay off.

"Billy Jean is not my lover...," sorry got a bit off track. Michael came on and it made me smile for a quick moment. Back to this...

Lately, I've been under a huge amount of stress professionally, which has affected my personal life. I've been less of the parent I want to be and less of relationship partner than I want to be. Because of this, I'm putting even more stress on myself, which is only making the ridiculousness worse. It seems I'm spinning around at stupid fast speeds and I can't stop. There are no hand holds to grab, no branches and damn, where are the brakes? I'm really starting to think that my anxiety over not being the person I need to be at home, or at work, or in the world at the moment has gotten to a point I can't come back from. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor to find out which of the anxiety medications may also work for just plain crazy and ridiculous. This is hard for me to admit to myself. I've dealt with depression before. I pushed my way out of it, more than once. I've overcome situations way worse than what my current situation seems to be from the outside (damn, there go the tears again). Why can't I get past this. Why can't I do the things I know I need to do and why can't I just force myself to be the person I need to be.

I guess the whole CSA lesson here is that we need to learn to figure out when it's time to ask for help. We need to get past our own doubts about what it means to ask for help and just freaking ask. Wouldn't it bet better for all of the people in my world, along with myself, if I'd just go see a doctor, ask for help and then get a move on getting over this? I mean, I give my all to everything I do. I always have. I don't like being less than, and at the rate I'm going, that's all I'll be able to do if something doesn't change.

Sorry, I know this one is a bit off and different from my usual. Like I said at the beginning. I didn't know what I was going to write, I just needed to write to get my head straight.

Thanks.

The Value in Accepting Defeat

If you’re like most people, ok, well if you’re like me, you’ve probably felt defeated at some point in our life. In my case it’s been more than a few times. When I was younger, less mature and definitely suffered from an immense lack of wisdom, I always felt as though defeat weakened me. I felt that being defeated meant I was less of a person somehow.

After what has been an extremely difficult, trying and stressful year, I’m faced with defeat once again. Only now, I can see this defeat for what it truly is.  This defeat has less to do with my shortcomings as an individual and more with the lack of understanding/knowledge of others. Where I am patient and diligent, others are not. Where I have an understanding of baby steps, others believe in the snapping of fingers approach.

This current idea of defeat that I am facing has required much of my soul searching time. I’ve built a pros and cons list so long that I can get by for 6 months without purchasing toilet tissue. I’m not the type of person to step down from a challenge. I view myself as an individual that sees things through. I definitely don’t like the idea that I’ve worked so hard to make something happen only to have to face the realization that none of my work or persistence has value to anyone other than myself.

I have, however, succumbed to the fact that my own wellness (mental, physical and emotional) is not worth risking to continue to try and move a mountain on my own. Yes, I said move a mountain. That’s the best metaphor I have for the situation I’m referring to. My child doesn’t deserve to have less of me than he should. I don’t deserve the foul moods I’ve been in for some while now. My personal relationships don’t deserve to suffer because this situation has sucked the life out of me. I have realized that not only will I be doing myself justice, but also everyone and everything around me, by allowing myself to accept this defeat and realizing that some battles just aren’t supposed to be won. I’d rather lose this battle and be well enough to win the war of life than to continue fighting (getting clobbered) by the small battle I’m currently faced with.

I apologize for this sounding all Woe is Me, I really just needed to write it so that I could be absolutely sure that I had come to terms with this. My common sense lesson in this is that we as human beings should focus more on ourselves and our personal sanity than on trying to fight losing battles. We need to be able to realize when to wave the white flag and when to let the ship sink. It doesn’t mean we suck or that we aren’t capable. It means we are wise enough to understand that we aren’t good to anyone, especially ourselves, if we continue to let ourselves get beat up by a losing situation.

That’s all I have for now.

#muchlove

Listening Instead of Hearing

So the last one of these that I wrote revolved around me actually listening to someone else talk to me about my personal flaws. I must admit, I was extremely impressed by the amount of bravery displayed by the other individual.

I’m happy to inform you all that I have been actively working on those things that were seen as flaws. I was able to sit back, evaluate the information I was given, and make a conscious decision to make myself a better person, and in turn creating a positive turn of events in my personal relationship with the other individual.

I listened. I didn’t just hear what the individual had to say, I listened.

What happens when someone you’re having a discussion with doesn’t listen? I have recently been speaking with a friend of mine regarding a situation that the friend is dealing with. This friend has reached a point in life that requires self-reflection and action. The friend has also realized that in order to make the changes necessary, other individuals will need to be removed from the friend’s life and some require a sit down conversation about how they make my friend feel and how my friend needs them to behave to remain close to my friend.

YES, I KNOW I’M BEING VAGUE HERE. I’M NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF TELLING OTHER PEOPLE’S STORIES. I’M IN THE BUSINESS OF TELLING MINE. I DON’T FIND IT NECESSARY FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHO OR WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. THESE BLOGS ARE MORE ABOUT THE LESSONS AND NOT THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.

So, my friend has the inevitable conversation with the other individual. My friend tells me that it was very obvious at what point the other individual was no longer listening to what my friend had to say. My friend explained to me that while it is hard to determine whether the other individual took any of the conversation seriously, my friend is optimistic that things in their relationship will improve. Now, while I pray that all turns out well and an outcome that my friend will find positive becomes the result of the conversation, I did warn my friend to be prepared for nothing to change at all. I explained to my friend that it sounds like the other individual was hearing my friend speak, just not actually listening.

After having this discussion with my friend, I was brought back to my own conversation with the individual mentioned in my last blog. I realized that while I’m working to resolve those things about myself that actually are worth resolving, I’m not sure the other person is doing the same. Granted, I only had one issue with the individual. So you think it would be super easy for the individual to only work on one thing, right? Yeah, not so much. I’m realizing that while I’m trying my best to improve myself for the sake of others, others are not so quick to improve themselves for my sake. (This is how I get to the conclusion that I’m not as important to others as they are to me.)

In case you’ve missed it while reading this… the lesson here is that when someone becomes brave enough to talk to you about things that are difficult to discuss (usually for fear of ruining a relationship), please, LISTEN. 

Don’t just hear them speak and tune them out. I KNOW it’s hard to listen to someone tell you about yourself. No one wants to hear someone other than their own self tell them about the flaws that they are trying so hard to cover up.

Hell, the hardest thing I’ve done so far in my life is listen to someone tell me that I’m not a good parent, that I’m not a relationship material and that I’m not physically appealing enough. After getting over the initial instinct to KILL, I was able to walk away, contemplate what was told to me, and come to the realization that the reason I was being told these things is because the other person cares about me enough to want me to be a better me.

If someone can actually sit down with you and discuss what they need from, please, LISTEN.

If someone can come to you to explain to you that you’re behavior makes them feel less than worthy, please, LISTEN.

If I come to you, and I tell you, with all the fear of the world in my heart, that I need your attention...

If I tell you that I need your compassion, your affection, your love… PLEASE LISTEN.

If someone is handing over to you all that they need to continue to be in your life, for the love of God, LISTEN.

The Ugly Truth: An Intense Look at the Person Staring Back at Me

There are so many self-help books and articles available to each of us. We constantly hear from others about how we need to work on certain things about our personalities, looks or behavior. If you’re anything like me, you will usually tend to just ignore (for the most part) all of these ‘constructive’ criticisms and continue on about your business. What happens when you’re forced to face head on things about yourself that may actually need work?

Here’s what happens… at least in my case:

While talking to someone I care deeply about and whose opinion actually matters to me, I’ve been forced to really take a closer look at myself. Now, before I get too deep into this, please know that I have no grandiose ideas of myself as a flawless individual. I just typically choose to acknowledge my flaws privately and deal with the deep rooted lack of confidence in myself in private.

First, I’ve come to realize that I’m failing as a parent. Please, I’m not putting this out there for all of you to try and comfort me with the “you’re an amazing parent,” “you’re doing the best you can as a single parent,” comments. I’m being completely honest here. I’m failing when it comes to discipline, entertainment, inspiring creativity and molding my son into an awesome individual. LUCKILY, he is MY son… ;)

This kid can’t help to be anything but awesome. Yes, I may lack quite a bit in my discipline. I’m tired. I work all day and am physically and mentally exhausted by the time we get home. So yes, I do let things slide that I probably shouldn’t. Honestly, I had convinced myself that things would work themselves out as my son gets older and learns right from wrong. After the above-mentioned conversation, I’ve realized I’m a fool. No naughty or nice fairy is going to come in while I’m asleep and magically teach my son the difference between wrong and right. Said fairy is not going to just step into my shoes and handle my child raising responsibilities for me. After my insightful conversation partner broke it down for me, I’m obliged to actually make a serious effort at being a better parent. It’s my job to make sure that my son learns all of the things I wish him learn. It’s my duty to instill in him all of the compassion, love, kindness, caring and respectfulness that I wish him to have. So, after much grappling with the idea of being called out as an under par parent, I concede. I WILL DO BETTER.

Second, and even more painfully enlightening than being told I suck as a parent, is the fact that I’m forced to face the fact that I’m boring. Yes, boring. I never would have used that word to describe myself. Creature of habit, routine, OCD and maybe even a bit on the off side. Just not boring. I stopped after the lengthy definition of what boring entails in this conversation. I pondered what the other individual had said. I was fuming. You’ve just called me out on my parenting and now you’re telling me I’m boring. I’ve actually impressed myself at this point by not beating the crap out of my conversation partner. Literally I could see myself chocking the breath out of this person. I then realized that if I followed through with my initial instinct, I’d be in jail and all hopes of raising my son to become the man I would love for him to be would be over. So, I didn’t do anything rash. Instead, I sat in silence. For a while. A LONG LONG while. Then it hit me. My need for routine and order actually do come across as boring. Boring to those who are not so obsessed with color coded closets, nothing out of place living rooms, perfectly folded clothes, spotless bathrooms and an immaculately clean kitchen. EEK, I’m that person. I’m the boring one so concerned over the little things that really shouldn’t matter (because really, what good is a color coded closet with everything in order by sleeve length and jean shade, going to do me when my soul escapes this world?) I vow, from this point on to do my best to be less boring. I will try my hardest to be more adventurous, more spontaneous, more silly, more open to things out of the ordinary.

Third, I realized after this eye-opening conversation that I’m not as awesome as I like to try and convince myself that I am. I’m also not significant other material. Ouch, this hurts. I’m hoping this is just a temporary thing as I’d really like to find someone to share my life with at some point. I realize though, that being so stuck in my ways, and letting my exhaustion and irritability be my excuses for my behavior will keep me from being the person that another person wants to share their life with. These last couple of days have been eye-opening, painful, hurtful, helpful and motivational. I’m praying at this very moment that God will grant me the courage and the strength to really work on these flaws that have been brought to my attention. I ask God to bless the individual who was strong enough and brave enough to actually confront me about these flaws and put their own life at risk in doing so, ;)

All this being said, I just want to say that sometimes, we should really listen to the constructive criticism. We are raised to believe that as long as we are happy with ourselves, then we shouldn’t worry about what others think. NOT SO. My grandmother says that we don’t raise our kids for ourselves, we raise them for other people. I’m not going to explain this right now. I only mention it because I think it applies to adults as well. We don’t work on ourselves for us. We do it so that others will want to be around us. We want others to like us, to love us, to look up to us, to be inspired by us. We are human, we crave acceptance and love from others. It’s who we are.

So, thank you to my conversation partner. You have made me view myself in a different light and you’ve inspired me to be better. You have challenged me to be the best me I can be. I hope you plan on sticking around long enough to witness the transformation.

The Extinction We Never Heard Of

Can someone please tell me what happened to courting? Do you even remember courting? You do know courting, right? In the romantic sense, I mean: courting - to seek the affections of; woo; to seek another's love.  I was never notified that the idea was extinct. There was no news bulletin, no FB post, no mass email or text message. Courting just became extinct while we were busy figuring out who we are and what we want out of life. We were too busy being selfish to realize that courting was slowly fading away, and like all great things, we don’t seem to notice its absence until it’s completely gone.

I’m trying to understand at what point this ‘dating’ thing became acceptable to our (my) generation. I’ve been told for a couple of years now to give online dating a try (since I’m not for meeting someone in a club or bar). I’ve been told to put myself out there (apparently I’ve become some sort of merchandise that I must market to the masses to find out if there are any interested parties). Well, I decided to take the advice of those who like to shyly remind me of my horrific single status. (Did you get that?) What I’ve found is that the idea of courting, something a hopeless romantic like myself still finds appealing, has become extinct. I’m still trying to figure out why this information was never made public. Here’s what I’ve found…

My generation of individuals have come to the conclusion that it’s perfectly acceptable to assume that a first date should take place at my residence (!) so that we can relax, watch a movie and get to know one another. I apologize, WHAT?!? Call me stubborn, call me a prude, or better yet – call me OLD FASHIONED. A first date does NOT include some strange person I don’t know coming over to my house to do who knows what to me or my home. Even more interesting is the fact that the suggestion of said first date is brought up the very first time we converse. What about me, after a five minute conversation, screams, “Hey, why don’t you just come on over right now?”

Also seemingly acceptable is the audacity of an individual to pry into my sexual life after asking if my name really is Aja. Hmm, I don’t even really know how to word my response. Let’s see, once again I apologize for finding this ridiculous. Please refer to the previous list of names that I approve of you calling me. Here’s my answer to your very probing and intimate questions – My level of freakiness is not of your concern at this time. How many times a day I want to have you “beat it up” is now zero. As for all of the other inappropriate questions, well, the non-disclosure I had to sign during my time at the Bunny Ranch prohibits me from discussing this information. Oh, and by the way, no. My name is really Antarctica, but Aja is oh so much easier to spell. WTH!

My all-time favorite are those people who put that they are looking for a long-term, serious relationship. The ones that want to find someone to marry. To those of you that blatantly lie in your profile – STOP. You’re not going to meet your future wife by starting off with this behavior. If in fact you are only looking for someone to make you feel good right now, this instant, with no threat of an actual relationship – please make the quick trip to Nevada. However, if you’re not able to afford that trip (the girls are more expensive than the flight and hotel combined), try one of those old school chat lines.

I guess my point in all of this is… well I’m not really sure. I just think that maybe if we as people took the time to actually get to know the person we are interested in, we wouldn’t be a generation of complete horn balls running around trying to find our next fix.

Try asking meaningful questions. Find out what my likes and interests are. Put some thought into our first meeting. If you’re not able to muster up that much energy, the played out dinner and a movie will do. At least you’re trying to make an effort. And before you throw out that tired old FWB approach, don’t. I have friends, and I’m sure if I needed the benefits, a few would be more than happy to oblige.

Now ladies, don’t go screaming Amen just yet. These fools didn’t just decide that this is how they will approach dating. We have to take responsibility for our part in this. We need to stop making this behavior acceptable. We have to realize our worth before we can expect anyone else to. Stop pretending that this sort of behavior is cute or welcome. Be a strong woman and stand up for what you want and what you believe in. I’m sure I’ve upset quite a few people on POF, and that’s fine with me. I don’t want a relationship with someone who is only after my lady parts and not ALL of me.

Relationships fall apart because the two involved aren’t willing to work through their differences (most of the time). If you’re not willing to work at trying to get to know someone, then you sure aren’t going to stick around when the real relationship trials begin.

Courting, please come back. We are in desperate need of your return!!