I'm a Basket Case.

I want to start this off by saying that some of you reading this, possibly the majority of you, will not understand what I’m talking about. Some of you will find it hard to understand because you have never personally experienced this issue. Please, after reading this, take time to really think about this and try to apply a better understanding towards people in your daily lives.

Fear is part of all of your lives. Whether your fear is being alone or you have an immense fear of garden gnomes, fear plays a part in all of our lives. Our reaction to fear – how we allow fear to affect our behavior – is different for all of us.

My reaction to my biggest fear has always caused me heartache and pain.  My biggest fear is that I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for the things I want in or out of life. I fear that I’m not a good enough mom. I fear that I’m not a good enough daughter. I fear that I will never be good enough to deserve the true, unconditional love of a man. This insane fear has ruled over me for the majority of my life. I’m still battling it today, successfully at times and unsuccessfully at others.

For the better part of my teenage and young adult years, I was made to feel as though I would never be good enough, for anything. I wasn’t popular enough in school; my grades weren’t good enough at home. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good enough. I was told regularly that I could be more popular, I could have a boyfriend, if… basically, to my brain at that time all I heard was, “If you want to have or be anything in life, you’re going to have to physically change yourself.”

Obviously, my self-esteem wasn’t great. I’d allowed all of this negative in my life to create a fear inside of me that for some time has controlled my behavior. I’ve allowed that fear to turn me into a basket case of a person. Get ready, this is crazy and probably will not make any sense…

The most obvious example I can give is my behavior in a personal/romantic relationship. If I feel that a person isn’t that interested in me, I will push and push and try and try to prove to the person that I am good enough. I will drive myself mad trying to prove that I can be good enough for them to want me, to love me. This in turn only ends up pushing the other person away.

On the opposite end of this ridiculousness – if I feel that a person truly cares for me, loves me, I will freak out and go into true basket case mode. I’m so scared that if I allow myself to truly care about a person that truly cares about me, things will end in heartache and pain on my end. I will create scenarios in my head where the person all of sudden realizes I’m not good enough to love and then disappears. I’m so scared of this actually happening that I will begin to push that person away. I will convince myself that there are reasons I can’t care for this person. I will change my behavior towards the person completely in an effort to push the individual away. Remember, I’ve made up all of these things in my head, nothing has actually happened to cause me to change my behavior… BASKET CASE.

Up until now, this ridiculous behavior has only caused me more pain that what I feared in the first place. This maddening behavior has cost me a couple of really important relationships.  I can look back now and see exactly when and where the madness would start. I can actually pinpoint where it takes over and how it’s affected everything. It’s painful to look back at these situations. Even more painful is the fact that I actually know when it’s occurring. It’s like I’m fighting with myself trying not to let the ridiculousness take over, but it usually wins the battle.

I say all of this not to make excuses, and not to be sent off to an institution. ;)

I say all of this so that maybe, just maybe, someone reading it will understand that sometimes, it’s not the other person’s fault for being a basket case. I’m trying to give you an insight into what happens in a mind controlled by fear. Understand that we (basket cases) usually know our behavior is crazy, we just can’t stop it. Be kind and compassionate and be aware. A sudden change in behavior on someone’s part may just be them fighting the basket case battle.

Also – I fear spiders and snakes. I will AVOID them at all costs.

Lots of Love!

BE MINDFUL

I have days where I wake up and I’m just not in a good mood. I’m not necessarily in a bad mood, just irritable and aggravated. I can’t explain why this is or where it comes from. I have other days where everything seems to be going wrong… my depression is at a high, my life seems to be pointless and Newton’s laws are in full swing. These days don’t have anything particular to do with anyone, nor are they a result of anyone’s actions/attitude towards me. It’s something I go through. Sometimes, situations with other people may add to the stress level I’m dealing with, sometimes it may just be that my entire day is one stressful situation after another. I say all of this to say BE MINDFUL.

I’m sure that we ALL have days or weeks where we aren’t our best. We all deal with life – seeing as how we are all living. Everyone has to deal with stuff, everyone. Even a one week old will scream for something (usually they want food, or need a diaper changing). My point here is this, WE ALL GO THROUGH THINGS, WE ALL DEAL WITH STUFF. Remember this the next time you feel like someone is being rude or mean. Remember this when you think someone is being bitchy or stuck up. Just because someone doesn’t behave the way you feel they should at a particular moment doesn’t mean their behavior has anything to do with you.

The person next to you may be quiet and keeping to themselves because they have a lot going on that you don’t know about. Maybe it’s family oriented. Maybe it’s finances. Maybe it’s personal and not really any of your business.

Here’s a random thought – STOP BEING SO JUDGEMENTAL and BE MINDFUL instead. Don’t go around talking about how rude or stuck up someone is being. Don’t go around asking a million questions to find out if anyone knows what’s going on with another person. Just BE MINDFUL that maybe the person is dealing with his/her own stuff and may be just a bit too exhausted to entertain you at the moment.  Stop being a pest and instead, offer some encouragement. Send a private message letting them know that you hope they have a great day. If you can’t do that, just send a smiley face. You’d be surprised what a smile can do.

Oh, and while you’re BEING MINDFUL, go ahead and focus on yourself and try to figure out what you’re trying to avoid dealing with by being concerned about everyone else’s business. Just a thought.

Much Love!

#PayItForward

That Moment You Need to Ask for Help

As I sit down to write this, I'm not completely sure what I'm going to write about. I just realized that I've been sitting at home today crying. Crying for no one reason in particular and for every reason there is. My realization of a day completely wasted by this non-sense has me wondering if I'm finally cracking. We joke about these things often, having a mental breakdown, losing ourselves to our life struggles.

I've got a ton of things going on in my life, personal and professional. Who doesn't, though? So I'm sitting here writing, hoping it will help to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Ok, so I've been trying to figure this out for the past couple of hours, between the flood episodes. So far all I've come up with is that I'm needy and maybe a bit over sensitive and emotional. I need to feel like I matter. This is basically what all of my madness comes down to. I need to feel like in someones world, besides mine and my son's (he doesn't have a choice in the matter since I'm his mom), I matter. I need to feel like I rank somewhere on the importance scale. I want to feel like I'm a priority to someone.

What I'm noticing is that when I don't get this need met, I tend to breakdown. I feel rejected, unwanted, less than worthy and the value I like to think I bring to the table falls to zero. Before you all get ready to send over those "you're awesome," "you rock," "don't let others determine your self-worth" comments, just finish reading.

The thing is, I'm not normally prone to breaking down over not getting what I need. I've never been one to wait for others to validate my worth. I've always just been the one to keep pushing and know that eventually all of my hard work, kindness, compassion, love and goodness will eventually pay off.

"Billy Jean is not my lover...," sorry got a bit off track. Michael came on and it made me smile for a quick moment. Back to this...

Lately, I've been under a huge amount of stress professionally, which has affected my personal life. I've been less of the parent I want to be and less of relationship partner than I want to be. Because of this, I'm putting even more stress on myself, which is only making the ridiculousness worse. It seems I'm spinning around at stupid fast speeds and I can't stop. There are no hand holds to grab, no branches and damn, where are the brakes? I'm really starting to think that my anxiety over not being the person I need to be at home, or at work, or in the world at the moment has gotten to a point I can't come back from. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor to find out which of the anxiety medications may also work for just plain crazy and ridiculous. This is hard for me to admit to myself. I've dealt with depression before. I pushed my way out of it, more than once. I've overcome situations way worse than what my current situation seems to be from the outside (damn, there go the tears again). Why can't I get past this. Why can't I do the things I know I need to do and why can't I just force myself to be the person I need to be.

I guess the whole CSA lesson here is that we need to learn to figure out when it's time to ask for help. We need to get past our own doubts about what it means to ask for help and just freaking ask. Wouldn't it bet better for all of the people in my world, along with myself, if I'd just go see a doctor, ask for help and then get a move on getting over this? I mean, I give my all to everything I do. I always have. I don't like being less than, and at the rate I'm going, that's all I'll be able to do if something doesn't change.

Sorry, I know this one is a bit off and different from my usual. Like I said at the beginning. I didn't know what I was going to write, I just needed to write to get my head straight.

Thanks.

The Value in Accepting Defeat

If you’re like most people, ok, well if you’re like me, you’ve probably felt defeated at some point in our life. In my case it’s been more than a few times. When I was younger, less mature and definitely suffered from an immense lack of wisdom, I always felt as though defeat weakened me. I felt that being defeated meant I was less of a person somehow.

After what has been an extremely difficult, trying and stressful year, I’m faced with defeat once again. Only now, I can see this defeat for what it truly is.  This defeat has less to do with my shortcomings as an individual and more with the lack of understanding/knowledge of others. Where I am patient and diligent, others are not. Where I have an understanding of baby steps, others believe in the snapping of fingers approach.

This current idea of defeat that I am facing has required much of my soul searching time. I’ve built a pros and cons list so long that I can get by for 6 months without purchasing toilet tissue. I’m not the type of person to step down from a challenge. I view myself as an individual that sees things through. I definitely don’t like the idea that I’ve worked so hard to make something happen only to have to face the realization that none of my work or persistence has value to anyone other than myself.

I have, however, succumbed to the fact that my own wellness (mental, physical and emotional) is not worth risking to continue to try and move a mountain on my own. Yes, I said move a mountain. That’s the best metaphor I have for the situation I’m referring to. My child doesn’t deserve to have less of me than he should. I don’t deserve the foul moods I’ve been in for some while now. My personal relationships don’t deserve to suffer because this situation has sucked the life out of me. I have realized that not only will I be doing myself justice, but also everyone and everything around me, by allowing myself to accept this defeat and realizing that some battles just aren’t supposed to be won. I’d rather lose this battle and be well enough to win the war of life than to continue fighting (getting clobbered) by the small battle I’m currently faced with.

I apologize for this sounding all Woe is Me, I really just needed to write it so that I could be absolutely sure that I had come to terms with this. My common sense lesson in this is that we as human beings should focus more on ourselves and our personal sanity than on trying to fight losing battles. We need to be able to realize when to wave the white flag and when to let the ship sink. It doesn’t mean we suck or that we aren’t capable. It means we are wise enough to understand that we aren’t good to anyone, especially ourselves, if we continue to let ourselves get beat up by a losing situation.

That’s all I have for now.

#muchlove

Listening Instead of Hearing

So the last one of these that I wrote revolved around me actually listening to someone else talk to me about my personal flaws. I must admit, I was extremely impressed by the amount of bravery displayed by the other individual.

I’m happy to inform you all that I have been actively working on those things that were seen as flaws. I was able to sit back, evaluate the information I was given, and make a conscious decision to make myself a better person, and in turn creating a positive turn of events in my personal relationship with the other individual.

I listened. I didn’t just hear what the individual had to say, I listened.

What happens when someone you’re having a discussion with doesn’t listen? I have recently been speaking with a friend of mine regarding a situation that the friend is dealing with. This friend has reached a point in life that requires self-reflection and action. The friend has also realized that in order to make the changes necessary, other individuals will need to be removed from the friend’s life and some require a sit down conversation about how they make my friend feel and how my friend needs them to behave to remain close to my friend.

YES, I KNOW I’M BEING VAGUE HERE. I’M NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF TELLING OTHER PEOPLE’S STORIES. I’M IN THE BUSINESS OF TELLING MINE. I DON’T FIND IT NECESSARY FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHO OR WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. THESE BLOGS ARE MORE ABOUT THE LESSONS AND NOT THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.

So, my friend has the inevitable conversation with the other individual. My friend tells me that it was very obvious at what point the other individual was no longer listening to what my friend had to say. My friend explained to me that while it is hard to determine whether the other individual took any of the conversation seriously, my friend is optimistic that things in their relationship will improve. Now, while I pray that all turns out well and an outcome that my friend will find positive becomes the result of the conversation, I did warn my friend to be prepared for nothing to change at all. I explained to my friend that it sounds like the other individual was hearing my friend speak, just not actually listening.

After having this discussion with my friend, I was brought back to my own conversation with the individual mentioned in my last blog. I realized that while I’m working to resolve those things about myself that actually are worth resolving, I’m not sure the other person is doing the same. Granted, I only had one issue with the individual. So you think it would be super easy for the individual to only work on one thing, right? Yeah, not so much. I’m realizing that while I’m trying my best to improve myself for the sake of others, others are not so quick to improve themselves for my sake. (This is how I get to the conclusion that I’m not as important to others as they are to me.)

In case you’ve missed it while reading this… the lesson here is that when someone becomes brave enough to talk to you about things that are difficult to discuss (usually for fear of ruining a relationship), please, LISTEN. 

Don’t just hear them speak and tune them out. I KNOW it’s hard to listen to someone tell you about yourself. No one wants to hear someone other than their own self tell them about the flaws that they are trying so hard to cover up.

Hell, the hardest thing I’ve done so far in my life is listen to someone tell me that I’m not a good parent, that I’m not a relationship material and that I’m not physically appealing enough. After getting over the initial instinct to KILL, I was able to walk away, contemplate what was told to me, and come to the realization that the reason I was being told these things is because the other person cares about me enough to want me to be a better me.

If someone can actually sit down with you and discuss what they need from, please, LISTEN.

If someone can come to you to explain to you that you’re behavior makes them feel less than worthy, please, LISTEN.

If I come to you, and I tell you, with all the fear of the world in my heart, that I need your attention...

If I tell you that I need your compassion, your affection, your love… PLEASE LISTEN.

If someone is handing over to you all that they need to continue to be in your life, for the love of God, LISTEN.

The Ugly Truth: An Intense Look at the Person Staring Back at Me

There are so many self-help books and articles available to each of us. We constantly hear from others about how we need to work on certain things about our personalities, looks or behavior. If you’re anything like me, you will usually tend to just ignore (for the most part) all of these ‘constructive’ criticisms and continue on about your business. What happens when you’re forced to face head on things about yourself that may actually need work?

Here’s what happens… at least in my case:

While talking to someone I care deeply about and whose opinion actually matters to me, I’ve been forced to really take a closer look at myself. Now, before I get too deep into this, please know that I have no grandiose ideas of myself as a flawless individual. I just typically choose to acknowledge my flaws privately and deal with the deep rooted lack of confidence in myself in private.

First, I’ve come to realize that I’m failing as a parent. Please, I’m not putting this out there for all of you to try and comfort me with the “you’re an amazing parent,” “you’re doing the best you can as a single parent,” comments. I’m being completely honest here. I’m failing when it comes to discipline, entertainment, inspiring creativity and molding my son into an awesome individual. LUCKILY, he is MY son… ;)

This kid can’t help to be anything but awesome. Yes, I may lack quite a bit in my discipline. I’m tired. I work all day and am physically and mentally exhausted by the time we get home. So yes, I do let things slide that I probably shouldn’t. Honestly, I had convinced myself that things would work themselves out as my son gets older and learns right from wrong. After the above-mentioned conversation, I’ve realized I’m a fool. No naughty or nice fairy is going to come in while I’m asleep and magically teach my son the difference between wrong and right. Said fairy is not going to just step into my shoes and handle my child raising responsibilities for me. After my insightful conversation partner broke it down for me, I’m obliged to actually make a serious effort at being a better parent. It’s my job to make sure that my son learns all of the things I wish him learn. It’s my duty to instill in him all of the compassion, love, kindness, caring and respectfulness that I wish him to have. So, after much grappling with the idea of being called out as an under par parent, I concede. I WILL DO BETTER.

Second, and even more painfully enlightening than being told I suck as a parent, is the fact that I’m forced to face the fact that I’m boring. Yes, boring. I never would have used that word to describe myself. Creature of habit, routine, OCD and maybe even a bit on the off side. Just not boring. I stopped after the lengthy definition of what boring entails in this conversation. I pondered what the other individual had said. I was fuming. You’ve just called me out on my parenting and now you’re telling me I’m boring. I’ve actually impressed myself at this point by not beating the crap out of my conversation partner. Literally I could see myself chocking the breath out of this person. I then realized that if I followed through with my initial instinct, I’d be in jail and all hopes of raising my son to become the man I would love for him to be would be over. So, I didn’t do anything rash. Instead, I sat in silence. For a while. A LONG LONG while. Then it hit me. My need for routine and order actually do come across as boring. Boring to those who are not so obsessed with color coded closets, nothing out of place living rooms, perfectly folded clothes, spotless bathrooms and an immaculately clean kitchen. EEK, I’m that person. I’m the boring one so concerned over the little things that really shouldn’t matter (because really, what good is a color coded closet with everything in order by sleeve length and jean shade, going to do me when my soul escapes this world?) I vow, from this point on to do my best to be less boring. I will try my hardest to be more adventurous, more spontaneous, more silly, more open to things out of the ordinary.

Third, I realized after this eye-opening conversation that I’m not as awesome as I like to try and convince myself that I am. I’m also not significant other material. Ouch, this hurts. I’m hoping this is just a temporary thing as I’d really like to find someone to share my life with at some point. I realize though, that being so stuck in my ways, and letting my exhaustion and irritability be my excuses for my behavior will keep me from being the person that another person wants to share their life with. These last couple of days have been eye-opening, painful, hurtful, helpful and motivational. I’m praying at this very moment that God will grant me the courage and the strength to really work on these flaws that have been brought to my attention. I ask God to bless the individual who was strong enough and brave enough to actually confront me about these flaws and put their own life at risk in doing so, ;)

All this being said, I just want to say that sometimes, we should really listen to the constructive criticism. We are raised to believe that as long as we are happy with ourselves, then we shouldn’t worry about what others think. NOT SO. My grandmother says that we don’t raise our kids for ourselves, we raise them for other people. I’m not going to explain this right now. I only mention it because I think it applies to adults as well. We don’t work on ourselves for us. We do it so that others will want to be around us. We want others to like us, to love us, to look up to us, to be inspired by us. We are human, we crave acceptance and love from others. It’s who we are.

So, thank you to my conversation partner. You have made me view myself in a different light and you’ve inspired me to be better. You have challenged me to be the best me I can be. I hope you plan on sticking around long enough to witness the transformation.

The Extinction We Never Heard Of

Can someone please tell me what happened to courting? Do you even remember courting? You do know courting, right? In the romantic sense, I mean: courting - to seek the affections of; woo; to seek another's love.  I was never notified that the idea was extinct. There was no news bulletin, no FB post, no mass email or text message. Courting just became extinct while we were busy figuring out who we are and what we want out of life. We were too busy being selfish to realize that courting was slowly fading away, and like all great things, we don’t seem to notice its absence until it’s completely gone.

I’m trying to understand at what point this ‘dating’ thing became acceptable to our (my) generation. I’ve been told for a couple of years now to give online dating a try (since I’m not for meeting someone in a club or bar). I’ve been told to put myself out there (apparently I’ve become some sort of merchandise that I must market to the masses to find out if there are any interested parties). Well, I decided to take the advice of those who like to shyly remind me of my horrific single status. (Did you get that?) What I’ve found is that the idea of courting, something a hopeless romantic like myself still finds appealing, has become extinct. I’m still trying to figure out why this information was never made public. Here’s what I’ve found…

My generation of individuals have come to the conclusion that it’s perfectly acceptable to assume that a first date should take place at my residence (!) so that we can relax, watch a movie and get to know one another. I apologize, WHAT?!? Call me stubborn, call me a prude, or better yet – call me OLD FASHIONED. A first date does NOT include some strange person I don’t know coming over to my house to do who knows what to me or my home. Even more interesting is the fact that the suggestion of said first date is brought up the very first time we converse. What about me, after a five minute conversation, screams, “Hey, why don’t you just come on over right now?”

Also seemingly acceptable is the audacity of an individual to pry into my sexual life after asking if my name really is Aja. Hmm, I don’t even really know how to word my response. Let’s see, once again I apologize for finding this ridiculous. Please refer to the previous list of names that I approve of you calling me. Here’s my answer to your very probing and intimate questions – My level of freakiness is not of your concern at this time. How many times a day I want to have you “beat it up” is now zero. As for all of the other inappropriate questions, well, the non-disclosure I had to sign during my time at the Bunny Ranch prohibits me from discussing this information. Oh, and by the way, no. My name is really Antarctica, but Aja is oh so much easier to spell. WTH!

My all-time favorite are those people who put that they are looking for a long-term, serious relationship. The ones that want to find someone to marry. To those of you that blatantly lie in your profile – STOP. You’re not going to meet your future wife by starting off with this behavior. If in fact you are only looking for someone to make you feel good right now, this instant, with no threat of an actual relationship – please make the quick trip to Nevada. However, if you’re not able to afford that trip (the girls are more expensive than the flight and hotel combined), try one of those old school chat lines.

I guess my point in all of this is… well I’m not really sure. I just think that maybe if we as people took the time to actually get to know the person we are interested in, we wouldn’t be a generation of complete horn balls running around trying to find our next fix.

Try asking meaningful questions. Find out what my likes and interests are. Put some thought into our first meeting. If you’re not able to muster up that much energy, the played out dinner and a movie will do. At least you’re trying to make an effort. And before you throw out that tired old FWB approach, don’t. I have friends, and I’m sure if I needed the benefits, a few would be more than happy to oblige.

Now ladies, don’t go screaming Amen just yet. These fools didn’t just decide that this is how they will approach dating. We have to take responsibility for our part in this. We need to stop making this behavior acceptable. We have to realize our worth before we can expect anyone else to. Stop pretending that this sort of behavior is cute or welcome. Be a strong woman and stand up for what you want and what you believe in. I’m sure I’ve upset quite a few people on POF, and that’s fine with me. I don’t want a relationship with someone who is only after my lady parts and not ALL of me.

Relationships fall apart because the two involved aren’t willing to work through their differences (most of the time). If you’re not willing to work at trying to get to know someone, then you sure aren’t going to stick around when the real relationship trials begin.

Courting, please come back. We are in desperate need of your return!!