That Moment You Need to Ask for Help

As I sit down to write this, I'm not completely sure what I'm going to write about. I just realized that I've been sitting at home today crying. Crying for no one reason in particular and for every reason there is. My realization of a day completely wasted by this non-sense has me wondering if I'm finally cracking. We joke about these things often, having a mental breakdown, losing ourselves to our life struggles.

I've got a ton of things going on in my life, personal and professional. Who doesn't, though? So I'm sitting here writing, hoping it will help to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Ok, so I've been trying to figure this out for the past couple of hours, between the flood episodes. So far all I've come up with is that I'm needy and maybe a bit over sensitive and emotional. I need to feel like I matter. This is basically what all of my madness comes down to. I need to feel like in someones world, besides mine and my son's (he doesn't have a choice in the matter since I'm his mom), I matter. I need to feel like I rank somewhere on the importance scale. I want to feel like I'm a priority to someone.

What I'm noticing is that when I don't get this need met, I tend to breakdown. I feel rejected, unwanted, less than worthy and the value I like to think I bring to the table falls to zero. Before you all get ready to send over those "you're awesome," "you rock," "don't let others determine your self-worth" comments, just finish reading.

The thing is, I'm not normally prone to breaking down over not getting what I need. I've never been one to wait for others to validate my worth. I've always just been the one to keep pushing and know that eventually all of my hard work, kindness, compassion, love and goodness will eventually pay off.

"Billy Jean is not my lover...," sorry got a bit off track. Michael came on and it made me smile for a quick moment. Back to this...

Lately, I've been under a huge amount of stress professionally, which has affected my personal life. I've been less of the parent I want to be and less of relationship partner than I want to be. Because of this, I'm putting even more stress on myself, which is only making the ridiculousness worse. It seems I'm spinning around at stupid fast speeds and I can't stop. There are no hand holds to grab, no branches and damn, where are the brakes? I'm really starting to think that my anxiety over not being the person I need to be at home, or at work, or in the world at the moment has gotten to a point I can't come back from. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor to find out which of the anxiety medications may also work for just plain crazy and ridiculous. This is hard for me to admit to myself. I've dealt with depression before. I pushed my way out of it, more than once. I've overcome situations way worse than what my current situation seems to be from the outside (damn, there go the tears again). Why can't I get past this. Why can't I do the things I know I need to do and why can't I just force myself to be the person I need to be.

I guess the whole CSA lesson here is that we need to learn to figure out when it's time to ask for help. We need to get past our own doubts about what it means to ask for help and just freaking ask. Wouldn't it bet better for all of the people in my world, along with myself, if I'd just go see a doctor, ask for help and then get a move on getting over this? I mean, I give my all to everything I do. I always have. I don't like being less than, and at the rate I'm going, that's all I'll be able to do if something doesn't change.

Sorry, I know this one is a bit off and different from my usual. Like I said at the beginning. I didn't know what I was going to write, I just needed to write to get my head straight.

Thanks.

The Value in Accepting Defeat

If you’re like most people, ok, well if you’re like me, you’ve probably felt defeated at some point in our life. In my case it’s been more than a few times. When I was younger, less mature and definitely suffered from an immense lack of wisdom, I always felt as though defeat weakened me. I felt that being defeated meant I was less of a person somehow.

After what has been an extremely difficult, trying and stressful year, I’m faced with defeat once again. Only now, I can see this defeat for what it truly is.  This defeat has less to do with my shortcomings as an individual and more with the lack of understanding/knowledge of others. Where I am patient and diligent, others are not. Where I have an understanding of baby steps, others believe in the snapping of fingers approach.

This current idea of defeat that I am facing has required much of my soul searching time. I’ve built a pros and cons list so long that I can get by for 6 months without purchasing toilet tissue. I’m not the type of person to step down from a challenge. I view myself as an individual that sees things through. I definitely don’t like the idea that I’ve worked so hard to make something happen only to have to face the realization that none of my work or persistence has value to anyone other than myself.

I have, however, succumbed to the fact that my own wellness (mental, physical and emotional) is not worth risking to continue to try and move a mountain on my own. Yes, I said move a mountain. That’s the best metaphor I have for the situation I’m referring to. My child doesn’t deserve to have less of me than he should. I don’t deserve the foul moods I’ve been in for some while now. My personal relationships don’t deserve to suffer because this situation has sucked the life out of me. I have realized that not only will I be doing myself justice, but also everyone and everything around me, by allowing myself to accept this defeat and realizing that some battles just aren’t supposed to be won. I’d rather lose this battle and be well enough to win the war of life than to continue fighting (getting clobbered) by the small battle I’m currently faced with.

I apologize for this sounding all Woe is Me, I really just needed to write it so that I could be absolutely sure that I had come to terms with this. My common sense lesson in this is that we as human beings should focus more on ourselves and our personal sanity than on trying to fight losing battles. We need to be able to realize when to wave the white flag and when to let the ship sink. It doesn’t mean we suck or that we aren’t capable. It means we are wise enough to understand that we aren’t good to anyone, especially ourselves, if we continue to let ourselves get beat up by a losing situation.

That’s all I have for now.

#muchlove