Be True To You.

Seriously, this seems so basic. Shouldn’t we all already know to stay true to ourselves? This seems like the most common of common sense ideas. Yet…

You guessed it; I for one have a really hard time being true to myself. If you’re honest with yourself, you probably do, too. As will all of these ideas, let me use myself as an example.

I recently had to remove myself from a situation. I stepped away from an actual relationship - one with someone of the opposite sex. A romantic(ish) relationship. This was so difficult to do. I fought with myself back and forth for a while over ending it. There was nothing really wrong. He is kind, caring, and selfless. Unfortunately, he wasn’t for me. He wanted to be. He convinced himself that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He just knew that I would be his happily ever after.

Please keep in mind that this entire relationship started and ended in a month’s time. Yes. A month. Talk about moving at warp speed.

Anyway, this guy, he was super nice. So selfless that when asked what made him happy, his only answer was anything that made me happy. After several conversations that all ended with him just agreeing with anything I said, I realized that no matter how much I want a real relationship, no matter how badly I want someone to love me and my son, this wasn’t going to be it. Y’all, I literally argued with myself about this realization for days. DAYS!

No matter how much I didn’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings, I had to. I also realized that his affection for me wasn’t exactly true, either. I found that he was so set on having a relationship and settling down (his words) that it didn’t necessarily have to be me he was with. He seriously said he loved me before we ever went on a date or spent any actual time together. He never seemed interested in getting to know me; just in saying he had a girlfriend and trying to rush into next level things. I’m not going to go into the details because it really creeps me out now that I think about it all more.

The point here is that this guy wants the idea of something so badly that he’s willing to jump right in, head first, eyes closed, full speed. For me, relationships take time. Time to learn about each other, time to grow – individually and together – time to figure out if each person can deal with the other’s little quirks. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I asked him to slow down, to not be pushy, he’d just agree and then go right back to pushing, moving forward. At first I went along with it all – because yeah, a relationship. Something I’ve wanted for so long was right there in front of me. I know without a doubt that no matter what I asked or said, this guy would give and agree.  He would do anything I said just because he was scared to lose me. Then I realized how unfair it all was. The whole thing was unfair to both of us. It’s unfair to me because I couldn’t picture a lifelong relationship with this guy. That feeling you get when the love of your life is near you – the one that gives you goosebumps and makes you wonder how you ever got so lucky – that feeling just isn’t there for me. (I’m not arguing this point by the way. I truly believe that everyone who is with the person they are meant to be with has a feeling when that person is near them. If you don’t think that’s necessary, then you’ll need to re-read this post a few times to truly understand the point.)

I realized that it isn’t fair to the guy to allow him to continue to pretend that he finally found the perfect relationship, what he’s been after for so long, if I’m not willing to give 100% to it. And finally, it sure as hell isn’t fair to my son to allow him to become attached to someone that I know damn good and well I’m not interested in being with long term.  I’m telling you, I’m still torn over the idea that I broke this guy’s heart, or at least hurt his feelings. He’s really a nice guy, and I really don’t like hurting people. I just know in my heart, in being honest with myself, that this guy isn’t IT for me. I pray he can forgive me, I pray I can forgive myself. I’m just choosing to not settle. I’m choosing to listen to who I am and what I truly want. I’m being true to myself.

All of this is to say, be true to you. Figure out who you are. Figure out what you truly want. Go after it. No matter how long it takes, even when it all seems pointless, NEVER SETTLE. Like the picture says, “if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” You can do this. It will be hard. I just know without a doubt, being true to you WILL BE WORTH IT.

Much Love

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #BeTrueToYou

W.O.R.K.

So this is another one that really hits home for me. I’ll go ahead and tell you now that I’m not great at putting in the work in areas that I probably need it the most. I suppose that makes me a work in progress…

We have all heard that anything worth having takes work. This is easy to understand in relation to monetary things. If you want to be financially successful, you will have to work. If you want the nice house, the nice car, the nice clothes – guess what. WORK.

Here’s where I got blindsided, and some of you may realize it’s the same for you – my own happiness and peace take WORK. Seriously, why this never crossed my mind earlier in life is beyond me. I’ve always given everything I have to any job I’ve been tasked with. I pride myself on my work ethic and my go-getter when it comes to actual jobs, paid or volunteer. Yet, I was never fully ok with myself. I never seemed to have a sense of fulfillment. Then it hit me (thanks to a small kick in the behind from my amazing cousin), I have to WORK at being the me that I want to be. My happiness is a result of my own effort at being happy. My peace has a direct connection to the amount of work I put in to being peaceful.  My attitude, either positive or negative, is the result of how much work (or lack of) I put into creating the attitude I want to have.

Here’s the wake-up call…

In order to become the person you want to be, you have to put in work. Work on yourself.

In order to have the life you want, you have to put in work. Work on your life.

Without ACTIVELY working on yourself, and your life, nothing will change. You will not accomplish the things you want for your life without putting in the work. I say ACTIVELY because let’s be honest, it’s one thing to post the positive saying every day – IT’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING TO ACTUALLY PRACTICE POSITIVITY. I’m guilty of this. I’m all about just ‘pretending’ to be the me I want to be, when in actuality, I’m still allowing outward circumstances and events to keep me from truly being the happy, positive, loving life person I want to be. I’m lying to myself if I think that just forwarding something positive in the morning will make me different. If I’m still angry at the world, or the day, or myself – I’m not ACTIVELY working on being better.

How do we do the WORK? Well, since I’m not actually an all-knowing being, I don’t have the answer for everyone. The WORK we must do is different for everyone. For me, it’s finding just one little reason to be happy for the day. I may have to do this multiple times throughout the day. When something not great occurs, I have to make myself find something to be happy about.  When I get sucked into the spiral of self-pity, I have to actively remind myself to find 1 thing to be grateful for each day. When I find myself passing judgement on a person or situation, I have to make myself choose to consider the circumstances and to be more compassionate and less judgmental.

The key here is to figure out who you want to be. Figure out what sort of life you want to have. Then create a working plan to achieve what you’ve decided you want for you. Be sure to remember this – YOU ARE NEVER ALONE IN THE JOURNEY. Find a group or a tribe – I can suggest a few – and be strong in yourself and ask for help when necessary.

Much Love!

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #DoYourWork

Swimming Lessons

I read something somewhere that really struck a nerve: ‘Stop taking swimming lessons from people who are drowning.’

Please read it again! 

Understand that the saying isn’t about literal swimming. This is about life. When I stopped to contemplate this seemingly very simple statement, I realized that if we’re not careful we may very well end up doing more harm by asking for/giving advice to others.

This is a two-part situation. So here we go!

First - Don’t go asking for advice on your life from just anyone. Be sure to know who and where your advice is coming from. We all have friends, acquaintances, and people around us. Just because we surround ourselves with people we choose, doesn’t mean the people are the RIGHT people to be going to for advice. I’ll admit, this first part isn’t so difficult for me to follow. I’m super picky about where I ask for advice. Mainly because I don’t discuss personal matters with just anyone (this is and will be an entirely separate CSA). Before going to someone for advice, consider what you know about the individual. Example: If you’re asking for advice on how to deal with a strong-willed toddler – you’re not going to ask advice of someone with no children. If you’re looking for advice on how to be financially successful – you’re not going to ask someone living in the same situation as yourself (paycheck to paycheck). The point being, stop going to people with no experience in the things you’re needing advice about. This is the equivalent of taking swimming lessons from someone who is drowning. You’re not going to learn to swim. Instead, you’ll both end up at the bottom.

Second – STOP giving advice on things you’re not qualified to give advice about. Let’s say your friend is needing advice on how to deal with their strong-willed toddler. If you haven’t dealt with a toddler – on a daily basis – DO NOT try to give advice on how to deal with the said toddler. If your friend has a child that is acting a bit out of control, please DO NOT give advice on how your friend should deal with this child if your child is putting you through the same sort of situation. I.E. don’t try to tell someone how to discipline their child if your child is also out of control and you’re not able to resolve your own situation.

The thing to remember here is that yes, we are all human. We all offer advice, usually out of love and what we think is a kindness. However, please understand that the advice you’re offering isn’t always what the other person needs. If you’re not an expert (and guess what, there are actual experts that can give you helpful advice for just about anything), please don’t try to point out what others are doing wrong in situations that you think they should do differently. ESPECIALLY DO NOT do this if your advice is just your way of avoiding your own problems.

We all need love and understanding. We are all capable of love and understanding. Leave the advice giving to those that are qualified for it. If you’re the one receiving/requesting the advice, just be sure to consider the source before requesting actual advice.

Try to avoid taking swimming lessons from someone that is drowning.

Much love!

#KindnessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #JustKeepSwimming

F*#% FEAR!

I updated my cover photo on FB yesterday. It’s a simple photo, with a simple message – ‘Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.’ This message got me thinking. Y’all know what happens when I start thinking… yep, a whole new CSA!

We all have wounds (the emotional ones are what I’m talking about here). Most of us didn’t create these wounds ourselves. Here’s the kicker though… we are the reason the wounds won’t heal. These emotional wounds may seem to heal, yet in reality, they’ve only been covered by an emotional scab. If we really look at the wound, it opens back up and we feel all of the same emotions we felt when these wounds were created. Here’s the insanely simple reason why – FEAR.

Of course, I’ll use myself as an example (I’m sure you’ll find pieces of yourself in this tale). It’s no secret that I’ve not been successful with personal relationships. I’ve been through multiple breakups that left me with a sense of unworthiness, a sense of emptiness. At one point, the darkness took over and I contemplated no longer existing. After fighting my way out of that bad place, I decided I would never allow anyone or anything to make me feel that way again. My solution? Push that feeling and that time so far to the depths of my core that it’s lost from sight. Ignore it. Pretend it didn’t exist. Remove me from any situation that would even have the possibility of ending the way the others did. Basically… I’ve closed myself off to the idea of a relationship. I’ve hidden away. I’ve refused to even entertain the idea of getting close to anyone. Want to know where this has gotten me? NO F’ING WHERE. Wait, does miserable count? That’s about all it amounts to. I’ve allowed my fear of getting hurt, my fear of not having my feelings reciprocated, to push me to the point of misery. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I’ve pushed it out of sight and closed myself off from the possibility of a real relationship.

Seriously, how in the hell does this even make any sense. It’s so much more ridiculous seeing it on paper!! Hey, I got my heart broken a couple of times, so now I’ll just deprive myself of what I want most in life – because I’m scared to get hurt. Y’all, I’m seriously laughing hysterically in my head right now. If any of my friends told me this I would more than likely slap the mess out of them and start laughing. Yet, here I am letting my fear of heartache keep me from finding my own happiness. This is the most ridiculous shit I’ve heard in a while. Seriously.

The craziness gets better. This act of closing myself off to opportunities spills over to my professional life also. I’ve become so used to just being that I’ve stopped pursuing more. Really it boils down to a FEAR of failure. Thinking I’m not good enough to advance, I’m not qualified for what I want (mind you, I know damn good and well that I can and will achieve anything I set out to accomplish), I have just stopped trying. What kind of insanity is this? Who just stops trying to be better because they are scared of failure??? Me, and quite possibly, most of you reading this. Here’s the thing, let’s stop being ridiculous. Let’s pull up our grown-up undies, kick ourselves in the ass, and move forward. Personally, professionally. Whatever it is that you’ve allowed your FEAR to stop you from doing, STOP YOUR FEAR. Find you a good support system (I’m always here if you need). Say a prayer, grab your rabbit’s foot, and step out on faith. Jump, Leap, Crawl – Just show your FEAR that you are stronger than it is. We can do this together!

Step one for me – say yes to the date invitation. Check (Y'all, I’m scared shitless about this!)

Step two for me – go after what will make you happy professionally (working on this, and yes I’m super scared).

While I’m not a fan of the cliché New Year New Me, it seems that this is exactly what we all need to do. New Year – No FEAR!

Much Love!

#KindessAlways #DontBeAnAsshat #F&#%FEAR