Grief – sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress,
heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation,
dejection, despair.
“Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to
the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection
was formed.” You guessed it; this CSA will revolve around grief. Particularly,
the grief of your life lost. This isn’t in the sense that you physically die. I’m
talking about the life that you’ve known, have grown accustomed to, no longer
existing. The loss of the life you had planned out, the life you’ve been
working towards for so long.
More times than not, we associate grief with the physical
loss of life, and not the emotional loss. We understand that there is a process
for grief when mourning the loss of a physical life. We are more accepting of
another person’s grief when we can link it to physical death. The thing is, we (as in we as a society, or
just you as a person) need to get better at recognizing and understanding a
person’s grief that isn’t related to a physical death.
Have you ever experienced the break-down of your emotions?
Have you ever felt frozen, or stuck, at some point? I’m talking about being physically
unable to move or even think. Chances are, if you’ve ever been dealt a blow
from life, you know what I’m talking about. If not, imagine the reaction you
have (or would have) if you received news that your absolute best friend
suddenly passed away unexpectedly. You will more than likely experience shock,
disbelief, and yes – grief.
This same feeling occurs when life deals you an unexpected
blow. In this instance, I’m referring to the end of a toxic relationship.
Whether it’s your marriage, a platonic relationship, or a familial one, the end
of these relationships generally bring about the same feelings of disbelief and
grief. I personally witnessed the break-down of an individual in this regard
over the weekend. After many, many years (longer than I’ve been an adult), a
marriage is ending. A life, in essence is ending. The life that this individual
has known for the past 25-30 years has come to a point where it no longer
exists. The life that this individual had planned out for his/her future is no
longer within reach.
Now, for some of us (myself included), it’s easy to say just
pick-up the pieces and start over. Yes, this would be an easier thing for
someone like me to do – I mean, I’ve had to restart and reinvent my life more
times than I’d like to admit. Starting over, for someone who has lived the same
life for decades, isn’t nearly as easy. Hell, it may not even seem do-able at
this point. Think about this – the individual not only is mourning the loss of
their marriage and life, they are forced to learn and decide who they are as an
individual – NOT A MARRIED INDIVIDUAL. I for one can tell you figuring out who
you are and who you want to be is not an easy thing. Seriously, I’ve had to
brainstorm my life and what I wanted it to be to the point of my freaking head
wanting to explode. I’m pretty sure at some point my heart actually died or
moved the hell out on to some other, less f*@%ed up location. Now imagine having to figure out who you are and what your life is going to be like after who you have been for the past 30 years no longer exists...
This individual is faced with having to do even the most
mundane daily tasks differently. He/she will have to now make decisions on
their own – not something they were used to doing. Let’s not forget – the
loneliness. God, the loneliness is unbearable.
As usual, this CSA is going to request that you put yourself
in the shoes of others. Let’s do better to at trying to understand and
empathize (NOT SYMPATHIZE) with everyone – especially those that are
experiencing a period of grief. Let’s be more compassionate, be more
encouraging. BE KIND. Before you so quickly pass judgement (and yes – this will
be another CSA topic at some point), stop and consider (and so will
consideration…) what another person is dealing with. Grief is such a complex and
ever-changing experience. It’s different for nearly everyone, yet follows the
same basic pattern – no matter the cause. Remember, if you’re going to offer
advice (and I suggest you don’t, just offer support) please make sure it’s not
the same old ‘just pick-up the pieces and move forward.’
So, to sum this up – the moral to this story is #Don’tBeAnAsshat.
Shocker, right!?!
Compassion, understanding, kindness, and most importantly –
LOVE. These are the tools for support that anyone grieving will need from you.
Not your shallow, vague piece of advice to just move on.
Much Love!
#LettingGo #KindnessAlways
