Listening Instead of Hearing

So the last one of these that I wrote revolved around me actually listening to someone else talk to me about my personal flaws. I must admit, I was extremely impressed by the amount of bravery displayed by the other individual.

I’m happy to inform you all that I have been actively working on those things that were seen as flaws. I was able to sit back, evaluate the information I was given, and make a conscious decision to make myself a better person, and in turn creating a positive turn of events in my personal relationship with the other individual.

I listened. I didn’t just hear what the individual had to say, I listened.

What happens when someone you’re having a discussion with doesn’t listen? I have recently been speaking with a friend of mine regarding a situation that the friend is dealing with. This friend has reached a point in life that requires self-reflection and action. The friend has also realized that in order to make the changes necessary, other individuals will need to be removed from the friend’s life and some require a sit down conversation about how they make my friend feel and how my friend needs them to behave to remain close to my friend.

YES, I KNOW I’M BEING VAGUE HERE. I’M NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF TELLING OTHER PEOPLE’S STORIES. I’M IN THE BUSINESS OF TELLING MINE. I DON’T FIND IT NECESSARY FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW WHO OR WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. THESE BLOGS ARE MORE ABOUT THE LESSONS AND NOT THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.

So, my friend has the inevitable conversation with the other individual. My friend tells me that it was very obvious at what point the other individual was no longer listening to what my friend had to say. My friend explained to me that while it is hard to determine whether the other individual took any of the conversation seriously, my friend is optimistic that things in their relationship will improve. Now, while I pray that all turns out well and an outcome that my friend will find positive becomes the result of the conversation, I did warn my friend to be prepared for nothing to change at all. I explained to my friend that it sounds like the other individual was hearing my friend speak, just not actually listening.

After having this discussion with my friend, I was brought back to my own conversation with the individual mentioned in my last blog. I realized that while I’m working to resolve those things about myself that actually are worth resolving, I’m not sure the other person is doing the same. Granted, I only had one issue with the individual. So you think it would be super easy for the individual to only work on one thing, right? Yeah, not so much. I’m realizing that while I’m trying my best to improve myself for the sake of others, others are not so quick to improve themselves for my sake. (This is how I get to the conclusion that I’m not as important to others as they are to me.)

In case you’ve missed it while reading this… the lesson here is that when someone becomes brave enough to talk to you about things that are difficult to discuss (usually for fear of ruining a relationship), please, LISTEN. 

Don’t just hear them speak and tune them out. I KNOW it’s hard to listen to someone tell you about yourself. No one wants to hear someone other than their own self tell them about the flaws that they are trying so hard to cover up.

Hell, the hardest thing I’ve done so far in my life is listen to someone tell me that I’m not a good parent, that I’m not a relationship material and that I’m not physically appealing enough. After getting over the initial instinct to KILL, I was able to walk away, contemplate what was told to me, and come to the realization that the reason I was being told these things is because the other person cares about me enough to want me to be a better me.

If someone can actually sit down with you and discuss what they need from, please, LISTEN.

If someone can come to you to explain to you that you’re behavior makes them feel less than worthy, please, LISTEN.

If I come to you, and I tell you, with all the fear of the world in my heart, that I need your attention...

If I tell you that I need your compassion, your affection, your love… PLEASE LISTEN.

If someone is handing over to you all that they need to continue to be in your life, for the love of God, LISTEN.

The Ugly Truth: An Intense Look at the Person Staring Back at Me

There are so many self-help books and articles available to each of us. We constantly hear from others about how we need to work on certain things about our personalities, looks or behavior. If you’re anything like me, you will usually tend to just ignore (for the most part) all of these ‘constructive’ criticisms and continue on about your business. What happens when you’re forced to face head on things about yourself that may actually need work?

Here’s what happens… at least in my case:

While talking to someone I care deeply about and whose opinion actually matters to me, I’ve been forced to really take a closer look at myself. Now, before I get too deep into this, please know that I have no grandiose ideas of myself as a flawless individual. I just typically choose to acknowledge my flaws privately and deal with the deep rooted lack of confidence in myself in private.

First, I’ve come to realize that I’m failing as a parent. Please, I’m not putting this out there for all of you to try and comfort me with the “you’re an amazing parent,” “you’re doing the best you can as a single parent,” comments. I’m being completely honest here. I’m failing when it comes to discipline, entertainment, inspiring creativity and molding my son into an awesome individual. LUCKILY, he is MY son… ;)

This kid can’t help to be anything but awesome. Yes, I may lack quite a bit in my discipline. I’m tired. I work all day and am physically and mentally exhausted by the time we get home. So yes, I do let things slide that I probably shouldn’t. Honestly, I had convinced myself that things would work themselves out as my son gets older and learns right from wrong. After the above-mentioned conversation, I’ve realized I’m a fool. No naughty or nice fairy is going to come in while I’m asleep and magically teach my son the difference between wrong and right. Said fairy is not going to just step into my shoes and handle my child raising responsibilities for me. After my insightful conversation partner broke it down for me, I’m obliged to actually make a serious effort at being a better parent. It’s my job to make sure that my son learns all of the things I wish him learn. It’s my duty to instill in him all of the compassion, love, kindness, caring and respectfulness that I wish him to have. So, after much grappling with the idea of being called out as an under par parent, I concede. I WILL DO BETTER.

Second, and even more painfully enlightening than being told I suck as a parent, is the fact that I’m forced to face the fact that I’m boring. Yes, boring. I never would have used that word to describe myself. Creature of habit, routine, OCD and maybe even a bit on the off side. Just not boring. I stopped after the lengthy definition of what boring entails in this conversation. I pondered what the other individual had said. I was fuming. You’ve just called me out on my parenting and now you’re telling me I’m boring. I’ve actually impressed myself at this point by not beating the crap out of my conversation partner. Literally I could see myself chocking the breath out of this person. I then realized that if I followed through with my initial instinct, I’d be in jail and all hopes of raising my son to become the man I would love for him to be would be over. So, I didn’t do anything rash. Instead, I sat in silence. For a while. A LONG LONG while. Then it hit me. My need for routine and order actually do come across as boring. Boring to those who are not so obsessed with color coded closets, nothing out of place living rooms, perfectly folded clothes, spotless bathrooms and an immaculately clean kitchen. EEK, I’m that person. I’m the boring one so concerned over the little things that really shouldn’t matter (because really, what good is a color coded closet with everything in order by sleeve length and jean shade, going to do me when my soul escapes this world?) I vow, from this point on to do my best to be less boring. I will try my hardest to be more adventurous, more spontaneous, more silly, more open to things out of the ordinary.

Third, I realized after this eye-opening conversation that I’m not as awesome as I like to try and convince myself that I am. I’m also not significant other material. Ouch, this hurts. I’m hoping this is just a temporary thing as I’d really like to find someone to share my life with at some point. I realize though, that being so stuck in my ways, and letting my exhaustion and irritability be my excuses for my behavior will keep me from being the person that another person wants to share their life with. These last couple of days have been eye-opening, painful, hurtful, helpful and motivational. I’m praying at this very moment that God will grant me the courage and the strength to really work on these flaws that have been brought to my attention. I ask God to bless the individual who was strong enough and brave enough to actually confront me about these flaws and put their own life at risk in doing so, ;)

All this being said, I just want to say that sometimes, we should really listen to the constructive criticism. We are raised to believe that as long as we are happy with ourselves, then we shouldn’t worry about what others think. NOT SO. My grandmother says that we don’t raise our kids for ourselves, we raise them for other people. I’m not going to explain this right now. I only mention it because I think it applies to adults as well. We don’t work on ourselves for us. We do it so that others will want to be around us. We want others to like us, to love us, to look up to us, to be inspired by us. We are human, we crave acceptance and love from others. It’s who we are.

So, thank you to my conversation partner. You have made me view myself in a different light and you’ve inspired me to be better. You have challenged me to be the best me I can be. I hope you plan on sticking around long enough to witness the transformation.